Our dating columnist reflects on waking up with a hangover and the realisation they’ve gotten jiggy with their ex
BY THE CHEEKY CHARMER, IMAGE BY ANNA SHVETS VIA PEXELS
It happens like this…
You roll over in bed, sleep desperately clinging to your eyelids, half in that beautiful dream you were having about the Spice Girls*
* <Insert preferred crush’s name(s) here>
You yawn, stretch a little, and that’s when you realise:
- That nagging in your temples is the start of a grade “A” hang-over
- It wasn’t a dream about the Spice Girls (see above) but your ex
And it wasn’t a dream.
You’re in bed with your ex.
And now, you have an ex to deal with as well as a hangover.
We’ve all done it. And by “we” I mean me and that group I was talking to last week, the ones who were hiding at the back pretending they’d never had sex on a first date. Yes, I see you, don’t pretend you haven’t done this either.
Sex with your ex is almost as big a lesbian trope as moving in together and buying cats. I don’t know if it’s the familiarity, the bonding so fast you can’t get over them or just the alcohol. And there’s usually alcohol.
Sex with your ex is almost as big a lesbian trope as moving in together and buying cats.
Joking aside, when it’s happened to me (and it hasn’t for some time – I know, I’m as shocked as you are) it’s been during what I call “the danger zone”. That sweet and sour stage roughly four to six weeks post break-up when you’re far enough from the initial pain to see them through rose tinted specs BUT, there’s enough sticky sex hormones oozing about to keep you coming back. And by “coming” I mean com…I’ll stop now…🙄
It’s so easy. This person you know so well, who you’re still in love with and who’s probably still in love with you. Sure, you broke up for a reason (or seven) but for one ill-advised orgasmic moment (or seven) you throw caution aside, along with your underwear and do the fandango… As in have sex. Incase anyone needed clarification.
Aaaaaaaand now you’re totally screwed (pun intended) because you’re back in the matrix and feelings are floating about. And it’s only a matter of time before all the things that were wrong with your relationship come screaming down on you like banshees on an unholy come down*.
*Sorry for the wanky metaphor.
Or maybe they’re not. Maybe you’re in that small percentile that can resurrect the magic and make it last. Second chances are beautiful and, if they work, grab them with both hands (not a euphemism).
In my experience that doesn’t happen. Relationships end for a reason and jumping back into bed together doesn’t fix that.
No. Usually you have great “make-up” sex but all those unresolved feelings hit you in the face like a wet kipper*. The pain’s still there, pushing at the edges of your orgasm.
*This is conjecture, I’ve never actually been hit in the face with a wet kipper so can’t confirm what this feels like.
Sex makes us vulnerable, no matter how much swagger you’re packing. There’s something in the intimacy exchange that exposes our nerve endings. Getting jiggy with your ex rips the band aid off and all those vulnerabilities shoot to the surface.
If one of you is more invested and hoping you’re (to quote my favourite Take That song) “back for good”, you’re in a whole world of trouble. One of you, if not both are about to get very, very hurt. And then it’s like the break-up all over again. You’re back to square one and any healing you did is totally eroded.
So, let’s exercise some restraint over the weekend and avoid the inevitable wet kipper to the face, shall we?
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