“When you finally find someone who understands your experiences and loves all of you, it’s easy to want to spend all your time with that person”
SOFIE ROOS, IMAGE BY CANVA/SEVENTYFOUR
There’s this romantic idea that being really close to someone means that you should do everything together. Same friends, same plans, same hobbies and, sometimes, even the same identity… But you can love your partner while having your own identity and interests outside of them. This is my best advice for those looking for ways to nurture their sense of self while being in a loving relationship.
Love doesn’t mean being together all the time — find a balance
In sapphic relationships, there’s often a unique intensity which can be lovely. When you finally find someone who understands your experiences and loves all of you, it’s easy to want to spend all your time with that person. And while it can be the best thing in the world, it can also be problematic if the relationship becomes all your world. If you’re saying no to your own plans to be with your partner, I’d advise taking some time to reflect.
Your partner and relationship shouldn’t always be prioritised over your friends, hobbies or alone time. Instead, you should aim to find a balance by talking about your needs. This will help you grow to be the best version of yourself, which will in turn make you a better partner and lead to a greater relationship.
Remember that independence isn’t the same thing as taking distance
Filling your own cup and investing time and energy into your life outside of your relationship doesn’t mean that you have to keep your partner at arm’s length. You can be in love, give your all to your partner, and still want to have dinner with just your family, or go to a concert with just your friends. You can prioritise your friends, your hobbies, your dreams AND your partner at the same time, and it doesn’t mean that you love them any less.
Who are you outside of the relationship?
I recommend to sometimes ask yourself who you are when your partner isn’t around. What folks do you spend time with? What do you enjoy doing? What are your dreams? What parts of yourself do you want to keep developing? By asking yourself these questions, you make sure that the “we” can coexist with the “you”.
And lastly, remember that in a healthy relationship, you don’t have to choose between your partner and your independence — you can have both. A loving partner should support and understand your need to also keep your sense of self.
Sofie Roos is a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist as well as author at the Swedish sex and relationship magazine Passionerad
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