We ask a licensed relationship therapist to answer your queer-nundrum
BY SOFIE ROOS, IMAGE BY CANVA
Dear DIVA, I hate being rejected, and I hate rejecting people. How do I tell my date that I don’t want to be more than friends?
I’m sure many of you sapphics out there can relate to this one. What do you do if you’ve gone on a date with a lovely person but don’t feel that connection with them? This can be even harder to navigate if you yourself both hate to be rejected and to reject others.
Here are some tips to keep in mind if you want to let someone down gently…
Be honest but kind
You definitely don’t have to find the perfect words. Focus on being honest and kind. Say what you’re feeling in a respectful way, and make them understand by being clear without being unnecessarily rude.
This could sound like: “I really like you, and it’s been lovely meeting you, but after our dates I don’t feel I want anything more than friendship with you. I want to be very honest with this to not give you any false expectations”.
Don’t give any false hopes
Avoid saying something like “We maybe can try dating again later” just to make them less sad. A clear no is always kinder than a “maybe later”, as it gives them, as well as you, the best chance to move on.
Their feelings are not your responsibility
Rejecting someone can feel truly awful, but you’re not responsible for their feelings, and you can’t control how they’ll react. All you can do is be respectful.
Be careful with going for friendship
Before you say that you want to stay friends, ask yourself if that is to make the breakup easier, or because you really want and think that you can have a platonic relationship.
Sometimes, it’s kindest to cut the relationship completely. It can be difficult to move into a friendship stage without your date holding out hope for something more.
Therefore, if you genuinely want to stay friends, be extra honest that you’ll never become more than that, and let them decide if they want to stay friends or if it’s easier to go separate ways.
Talk with them face to face, plan what to say and listen to them
Lastly, I want you to avoid saying this over text message or via telephone. Sure, it can feel harder to bring it up in real life, but it’s kinder and will make it feel better for both in the long run.
Plan what you’d like to say, meet up and then get straight to the point. You don’t have to defend your feelings or come with a long explanation. After you’ve told them, listen to what they have to say. Remember: rejecting someone isn’t cold or cruel, but staying with a person you don’t want to be with is.
About the author: Sofie Roos is a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist, as well as author at the Swedish sex and relationship magazine Passionerad
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