“We fall and bond so hard, setting ourselves up for massive heartbreak further down the line”


You know how it is, you’re scrolling through the dating apps, not much is going on, even the tumbleweed has more dates than you. And then boom! You match with her! She’s gorgeous, intelligent, funny and you talk for hours. There’s a hammering in your chest that tells you this could be it, this could be the one. 


You text, talk, video call for hours. Before you know it, you’ve fallen. Hard. You’ve named your first born and planned your wedding (in your head).

The only problem? You haven’t met yet.

Yup, that’s right, you’ve not even had a single date.

WHY DO LESBIANS DO THIS??????????????????

We fall and bond so hard, setting ourselves up for massive heartbreak further down the line. Dating apps can be “love crack” for women who date women. It’s so easy to build a rapport, talk for hours and feel like you know them. 

And then you meet and one of the following happens:

  1. You don’t fancy them at all
  2. They don’t fancy you at all
  3. Fireworks! The stars align! Its Romeo and Juliet all over again

Just remember that Romeo and Juliet doesn’t end well…

And neither do these kinds of relationships. Usually.

Hey, no judgement here, I’ve done it myself. It’s a fatal trap for women who love women, a beautiful poison that goes by the name of “lesbian bonding“.

Again: Why do we do this?

It’s not happened to me for some time, I’m trying to be more mindful in my “old” age. But, it recently happened to a friend of mine and got me thinking.

My friend’s dynamic reads like a blueprint for many sapphic relationship patterns. I’ve seen women (and I’ve done it myself) have a whirlwind romance with person A, only for that relationship to implode, leaving them drowning in heartbreak. There’s a short (but, oh so intense) mourning period where phrases like “the love of my life” are banded about. The world has ended, their love for this person was so strong.

And then a few weeks later (and we are talking a few weeks), they’ve met person B and the whole cycle repeats itself. Sometimes persons C,D, E, F and G come into play.

And it made me think. When we fall hard like that, in quick succession, it’s not real. It can’t have been real in the first place or we wouldn’t move onto person B so quickly. Sure, we feel this intense emotion. It feels like love. But it isn’t. It’s just chemicals, those cheeky pheromones designed to keep us in a mating dance.

So, beware.

When you really, genuinely fall for someone, you don’t get over them in a matter of weeks or months. When they’ve genuinely touched your soul, part of them stays. And that is what’s so darn hard to shift.

Sure, we can rebound, cover the pain with the plaster of “new love”. But a plaster doesn’t last forever. At some point you have to rip it off. If you slapped it on too quick, the original wound might not have healed.

I’ve done it. Rebounded. Bouncing from loves young dream to loves young dream. And I’ve learnt from that particular poison.

It’s been four months since I broke up with Rose. In truly uncharacteristic Cheeky Charmer style, I haven’t been out living the light fantastic in a whirlwind of wine, women, and song. Why? Because I’m not over that relationship yet. It takes time. Sure, I’ve been on dates (I might have even had a cheeky hook-up or two) but am I declaring my undying love for someone new? No.

I’m not ready. It wouldn’t be real.

I need to heal, learn from what happened, focus on myself, and grow. That’s the only way I can make sure I’m truly ready, that I don’t drag the mistakes of past relationships into future ones. 

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