Here I am, again, the worst person to give dating advice…giving dating advice


Anyone who’s been following my adventures and – mainly – misadventures will know this: I’m single and heartbroken after splitting up with my Rose (see earlier columns).

But hey, at least you know this advice comes from someone who’s been in the trenches and has the battle scars to prove it.

I do know lesbian dating. The ups, the downs, the mammoth sex sessions, the breakups, the emotions…oh, the emotions.

Just bear in mind this is “do as I say” advice, rather than “do as I do”…

  1. Try not to “catch feelings” too early on:

Honestly, I don’t know why I bothered writing that. It’s a lesbian dating standard and impossible to avoid. I may as well tell you not to breathe oxygen. We meet someone, exchange a few pheromones and the nesting process begins. However, not everyone does this. There are some cooler cats who retain a sense of perspective. They’re on to something. I’m not saying it’s easy. But it’s sensible to hold something back early doors. Am I capable of doing this? No!

I met a lovely couple a few days ago. They’d been dating about six weeks and were absolutely smitten. The love glow was emanating from them like a small sun. Things like “She’s the one’” and “We’ve talked about marriage” excitedly left their lips (when they weren’t snogging). I looked at them, and I looked at my friend. “I know what you’re thinking,” she said, “It’s not going to last.”

It’s probably not.

Maybe it will.  Who knows? Let’s hope so. But I was in their position a couple of months ago when I dated the lovely Rose and look what happened there. I fell for her hard and still love her deeply. I’m not over that heartbreak yet.

It wasn’t the first and (likely) not the last time that’s happened to me.

I’m not saying this to be a romance kill, just to spare you some heartache a few weeks/months down the line when “love’s young dream” turns into a thing of nightmares.  God, I’ve become jaded in my old age…

2. Try to stop having sex long enough to find out if you’re compatible outside of the bedroom (this helps with point 1):

We’ve all had four-day sex marathons. They happen within the first few dates. Sometimes the first if you’re anything like the Cheeky Charmer. They’re mind-blowing. And exhausting. Keep your calorie intake up (there is such a thing as Deliveroo people – that’s for the woman who fed me nothing but Rice Krispies for 24 hours – Rice Krispies!).

 Early date sex can bond you like a sticky sex glue (sorry about the sex glue thing).

You’re bouncing off the ceiling like you’re on some kind of sex crack.

Your mind is clouded with the perfect version of the person before you. You start seeing who you want to see rather than who’s actually there. Rational decisions go out the window, you’re floating on air, this is the person and all the feels flood in.

And then a few months down the line, when you’ve got to know them, you realise they’re not right for you. Incompatibilities show up, the red flags you’ve been ignoring smack you in the face, and perhaps you don’t like them as much as you first thought.

Only now, you’ve ‘lesbian bonded’ (that thing I keep banging on about). You’ve fallen hard and the ensuing breakup makes the sinking of the Titanic look like a ride at Disneyland.

So, what have we learnt this week people?

  1. Hold something back early on
  2. Take the sex goggles off long enough to see who’s actually there.

Will I be following my own advice with the next woman I date? Probably not…

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