“You create an illusion together where the top’s the dominator. In reality, they only dominate because the bottom facilitates it”


So, I’m laying in bed with my girl Rose (yes, we got back together, no I didn’t take Anne Lister’s advice and build her an ornamental moss house, see earlier column) and this happened…

CC: You know how I’m the top and you’re the bottom?

Rose: Mmmhmm.

CC: Well, I’m starting to think I’m not the one in control.

[Rose’s eyes flip open like a shark smelling blood.]

Rose: Oh, I’m always in control…[laughs evilly]

Which is when it hit me… in almost all top/bottom relationships, it’s 100% the bottom who’s “controlling the fuck” (quoting from The Goop Show, people) not the other way round. (This may not be news to you but it was for me – the Cheeky Charmer is finally growing, people! 😱)

It’s a dance. A game. A power exchange that only happens because the bottom allows it. They set the boundaries. They dictate the pace. Probably through some kind of mind control device (at least in Rose’s case).

It’s role play. You create an illusion together where the top’s the dominator. In reality, they only dominate because the bottom facilitates it.

As a top, my job is to please my bottom (aka Rose, not my actual derrier. Although, I have started embracing new experiences so, you never know🤷‍♀️).

Pleasing her gets me off. It’s a drug. An act of worship, adoration and ego – hearing those moans of pleasure and thinking, “I did that”. My job is to please her with my body.

And while my inflated ego has me thinking I’m the proverbial (or literal) “cock of the walk”, its important to remember: I didn’t orchestrate this.

Sure, I may bring the Don Juan swagger to the boudoir (or like to think I have) but this is where the smoke and mirrors kick in. Rose has an uncanny knack of making me believe whats happening is my idea. Her personal brand of alchemy involves indicating non-verbally (I swear its mind control) what she wants and creating a scenario in which me giving her that feels like a really good idea. 

And it usually is 😈

An experienced bottom can do this. It’s where those binaried roles flip and we realise submissive doesn’t equal “weak”. 

Which begs the question: Is the top really the bottom and the bottom really the top?

My brain hurts. How’s yours doing?

Here’s the thing, even though the bottom may invisibly “control the fuck” this doesn’t have to mean you’ve strayed into “switch territory“.

At least it doesn’t for us.

I’ve had previous relationships, with a  switch edge, and they haven’t worked for me. Sure, I’ve essentially been the top but, sensing these women also needed that, we’ve switched things up aaaaaand… my libido has switched off.

My fear (give the beast it’s name) comes from stepping out of a gendered binary role I’ve created for myself. I have a more masculinised internal gender identity.  Taking  my “top” hat off (see what I did there) leaves me feeling misgendered, dysphoric and exposed.

And, that’s 100% my deal. Not everyone feels that. I’m probably in the minority.

With Rose, it’s different. She could throw me over her shoulder without discombobulating my sense of self. Not that she would. There’s a height difference and the CC lifts weights (in a vest, staring myself in the mirror – told you I have an ego 🤷🏼).

Neither Rose or I are switches. We’re still firmly the roles that give us what we need.

But there’s a play in that. A give and take I’ve not been comfortable with before.

And maybe that’s the thing. Maybe giving each other a secure sense of self leads to a fuller exploration of the sexual colour palette? I’ll bear that in mind next time I’m in bed with Rose 😈

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