“I wanted to turn it off and go into a state where I wasn’t at war with my own head”
BY DIVA STAFF, IMAGE BY STEVE ULLATHORNE
Comedian, presenter and former DIVA cover star, Sue Perkins, joined podcaster Elizabeth Day on today’s episode of the How To Fail podcast. Chatting to Elizabeth, Sue opened up about being diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, and reflected on what it was like growing up while undiagnosed. She also candidly discussed her brain tumour diagnosis and her fertility.
Discussing Sue’s ADHD, Elizabeth asked her what school was like when she was undiagnosed and didn’t have the language to explain her neurodivergency. “I was disruptive. Or I was utterly disassociated. Years in science lessons, I would set fire to things. I’d have my head in a fume cupboard. The Bunsen burners would be on,” said Sue. “I fidgeted, and I ticked a lot, and I was busy. I think that’s why I got this patchwork set of results from A’s to fails, and I either failed things or I aced them, and that’s how I’ve gone on in life.”
Sue, who was diagnosed with ADHD in 2023, also discussed the way lockdown prompted her to seek help, ultimately leading to her diagnosis. “My brain was atomised during lockdown. I can only write in twenty-minute bursts anyway, but it had gone down to two, three minutes. Two, three minutes. I thankfully don’t drink or do drugs or any of that stuff because I know I’d be dead by now,” shared Sue. “The temptation to blow my brains out with something was so extreme that when I came out of lockdown, it was time to see what’s going on. It’s the only test I’ve ever aced. Full marks.”
When Elizabeth pushed for clarification regarding Sue’s “blow my brains out” comment, the presenter elaborated: “I don’t mean suicide. I want to be clear, and I don’t want to put that out there in any way, shape, or form. I wanted to not be, which is not the same as ending my life. I wanted to use alcohol or get my hands on something that could stop my brain. Just stop it. I’m too scared of all those things to do it, but I wanted to turn it off and go into a state where I wasn’t at war with my own head.”
In her 30s, Sue was diagnosed with a brain tumour. She told Elizabeth about the ways this impacted her fertility and her regrets for not advocating for herself during the process. “The consultant said to me, ‘Well, yes, the levels are high. Yes, you have that. We’ve done the MRI. Here it is. It’s in the middle of your head, and there is a lump and all the rest of it. Do you have a husband?’ I said, ‘No.’ They said, ‘Do you have a boyfriend?’ ‘No.’ ‘Oh, well, that’s fine then, because it’s going to affect your fertility,'” explained Sue. “My fertility has nothing to do with my partner. It has nothing to do with my sexuality. My failure in that moment was to not advocate for myself and to go, ‘Sorry, what is this about?’ In that moment, I accepted that I was not worthy of being medicated.”
Elizabeth went on to ask Sue if she misses the babies she never had. “I do sometimes,” Sue confessed. “I think it’s my role in this life to be a great aunt and to be a great godparent. It wasn’t for me in this life.”
Sue’s late-in-life ADHD diagnosis inspired her to write her new audio memoir and podcast Attention, Please! Tales From A Distracted Mind, which came out in October via Audible Originals.
How to Fail with Elizabeth Day is available wherever you get your podcasts.
Love media made by and for LGBTQIA+ women and gender diverse people? Then you’ll love DIVA. We’ve been spotlighting the community for over 30 years. Here’s how you can get behind queer media and keep us going for another generation: linkin.bio/ig-divamagazine
Did you know that DIVA has now become a charity? Our magazine is published by the DIVA Charitable Trust. You can find out more about the organisation and how you can offer your support here: divacharitabletrust.com
