“These are the sapphic intimacy hacks I implement with my wife to keep things hot and pleasurable”
BY SOFIE ROOS, IMAGE BY DEAN DROBOT/CANVA
I’m a sexologist and relationship therapist with nearly two decades of experience. I say this to show I am well aware that there’s a big difference between knowing what tends to work in theory and what actually works for me. That’s why I want to share the tricks I use privately with my wife to keep our sex life spicy, fun and interesting. But why? Well, aren’t you most interested in the health advice doctors follow themselves, or the way architects design their own homes?
To begin with: I refuse to make our sex life become a part of our to-do list. I know how that kills all the fun and pleasure. I actively strive to have sex that is joyful and brings us closer together because I genuinely want to have it.
Because of this, we’ve agreed to always take the initiative when one of us is horny. We’re aware that we don’t want to fall into the classic pitfall of both walking around with responsive desire.
How do we go about taking said initiative? It can be small and subtle. It could look like sending a flirty message before coming home, or suggesting that we take a shower together. Alternatively, you could go all in and start making out while watching TV.
By making it clear when we want to have sex, we keep the feeling of both having desire for each other alive. If the other one isn’t in the mood, we don’t take it as rejection. We simply go and masturbate instead.
We’ve also invested lots of time and energy into trying new things (sex toys, roleplaying, bondage and being intimate in new places). Remaining curious and developing our sex life works extremely well for us. It’s an amazing way to keep our life in the bedroom interesting and playful, where we don’t have to take it too seriously. It’s great that we can laugh and have fun together. A laugh can be just as intimate and sexy as the physical sex itself! This also makes it easier to communicate when things feel good or bad.
Another piece of advice that works for us is to take responsibility for our own pleasure. We are verbal about what we want and guide each other before, during and after sex. We say what we like and don’t, what we need, what our boundaries are and how our relationship to sex is right now.
And the last, but definitely not the least: a hot sex life isn’t about performing or finding new advanced tricks. It’s about continuing to choose each other. To be curious and create space for the lust to be felt. I’ve realised that the hack isn’t to hold on to the passion me and my wife once had, but to keep giving it new things to grow from.
Sofie Roos is a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist as well as author at the Swedish sex and relationship magazine Passionerad
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