As part of Lesbian Visibility Week, an ambassador from Just Like Us talks about the stigma surrounding LGBTQIA families
BY CHARLOTTE HUGHES, IMAGE BY DIVERSIFYLENS
As a lesbian, I used to believe that the most significant barrier to parenthood would be, well, getting pregnant as a lesbian.
Although I have long been aware of the stigma attached to same-sex parenting, it has never shaken my belief that sexual orientation has no bearing on my ability to parent, should I choose to have children.
I suspect this is partly because my own parents did not align with traditional gender roles. Housework and cooking were split 50/50, my dad is the person I trust the most with fashion advice (sorry, mum!) and I felt like I could go to either for help. Their gender is not what makes them good parents, so I have never worried that future children of mine would be inherently lacking something by having two mums.
Still, the first time someone told me they disagreed, it stung. “You know, I don’t have anything against the gay community, Charlotte,” my former uni flatmate told me after I mentioned a friend who grew up with two mums.
“I think you’re great. But I also think that all children should have a mum and a dad. I’d pity any child who didn’t have both.”
I bit my tongue, later debriefing the conversation (and roasting my former flatmate) with friends back home. But I’ve since discussed the incident with many queer friends, it has been disheartening to learn just how many have been faced with similar comments.
More worrying still, such remarks have made some of my lesbian friends even question whether they should start families at all, even if this is something they want. A few years ago, one confided to me that she was unsure if she would ever have children, but not because she didn’t want them. In her own words: “What would people say if two mums came to pick up a kid from school? I’d worry about how people would react, and I’m not sure I’d want to go through that.”
A bleak prospect, as I know my friend would make a fantastic parent, and be no less capable than any of our straight peers. This isn’t just my opinion – research shows that children raised by same-sex parents do as well educationally, emotionally and socially as those in heterosexual families. In some domains, they even appear to fare better.
Yet, despite what research indicates, LGBTQIA families remain a divisive topic across the world, and representation is scant. I don’t remember a single time during my education when we spoke about LGBTQIA families. Having talked about this with friends, I know that my experience was not unique.
Rather than any discussion in school about what different families might look like, the only message I took away from PSHE lessons was how to use contraception.
Families portrayed in the vast majority of the media I consumed growing up were heteronormative. Even today, as someone who actively seeks out queer representation, I struggle to think of many films, books or TV series that represent lesbian parents.
This is perhaps why, when I came out to friends and family, people stopped badgering me with questions about when I plan to have children. Which was great, for a time. But now, during any conversation about parenthood, people tend to box me into the role of the “cool gay aunt”. Though that’s a role I’ll gladly accept for the moment, the presumptions about my future choices are becoming more than irritating.
In the UK, lesbians hoping to become parents face assumptions, stigma, and of course financial barriers. In England, same-sex couples must self-fund artificial insemination before they can access NHS-funded IVF – a hurdle that has been at the forefront of my mind whenever I consider the prospect of parenthood.
In the face of all of this, it is no wonder that some of us don’t view parenthood as viable, even if we are able to access fertility treatment. Although the number of same-sex families in England and Wales is on the rise, the proportion of these families that have children actually dropped between 2011 and 2021, from 15.8% to 14.7%.
This is why the visibility of lesbian parents and honest conversations around LGBTQIA parenthood remain crucial.
For me, one the most visible and helpful lesbian couples raising children has been YouTubers Rose and Rosie. The comedy duo have amassed more than 1 million subscribers, and they recently launched a podcast called Parental Guidance (what a genius name?!) They openly discuss their journey to starting a family, and feature guests who cover everything from sperm donors to surrogacy. It’s an invaluable resource for those of us in the LGBTQIA community who did not have access to such information growing up.
Although more representation is desperately needed from schools, so young people can grow up knowing that LGBTQIA families exist, following their journey has firmed up my belief that the door to parenthood is open, should I choose it.
Whether or not we decide to bring children into our lives, I am optimistic for a time when all of my fellow lesbians will feel that the door is open for them too.
Charlotte volunteers as an ambassador for Just Like Us, the LGBT+ young people’s charity. LGBT+ and aged 18 to 25? Sign up here!
DIVA magazine celebrates 30 years in print in 2024. If you like what we do, then get behind LGBTQIA media and keep us going for another generation. Your support is invaluable.
