“Give them the space to talk about what they are feeling and experiencing without judgement”
BY CHARLY FAYE, IMAGE BY CHARLY FAYE
My parents came from very different backgrounds: my dad’s family is strongly Catholic and my mum’s was incredibly liberal and without faith. But the combination of the two has shaped my upbringing into what I feel was an incredibly healthy and supportive environment.
When my mum was little, her parents were very open and supportive about LGBTQIA rights. Her parents had gay and transgender friends and my mum was very much surrounded by the community from a young age. Her mother in particular (my grandma) was very vocal about the importance of accepting others and steering clear of prejudice.
When the AIDS crisis first hit in the 80s hit, there was a lot of hearsay and misinformation about the disease. My grandma sat her kids down and made it absolutely clear to them that no one would be punished with bad health due to who they are as a person. Not only should they not listen to this nonsense, but they should also push against it.
I myself was aware I was gay from a very young age and although I had some problems at school, I never had problems at home. My mum always said she knew with four kids there was a high probability that one of us would be gay – lucky for her, she got two!
Mum would always talk about potential future partners as gender neutral and never assumed our sexual orientations, even in adolescence. We didn’t have any gendered rules in our house and our parents always respected our boundaries, including those relating to our identity.
My mum probably realised I was gay at a similar time as I did, but she never pushed me to talk about it until I was ready. She instead made it clear to us all that she was someone we could go to if we needed advice or comfort. This meant I could come out to her when I was ready to do so without pressure. When I did, she never shared my identity with others unless she had my permission.
My mum also taught me the importance of being an ally. Just because I myself am a part of the community doesn’t mean I can’t also hold prejudice towards others. It is just as important for me to support and uplift those around me, to speak up for someone when they are experiencing discrimination or to call others out on their bad behaviour.
My mum is no longer with us, and so when I have my own kids, I will not be able to go to her for advice. But I know that I was very blessed to have a mum who both understood and respected me and who set such a good example that as long as I follow in her footsteps, I will do alright.
Growing up LGBTQIA can be hard. I myself was faced with a lot of confusion and uncertainty, but when you have supportive parents, it makes it so much easier. My parents got so much right, and without them, I think it would have taken me a lot longer to accept my queerness. I am so grateful for everything they gave me.
On Mother’s Day, I’d like to share some advice with those parenting LGBTQIA children, passed on by my mother to me, and now to you.
Give them the space to talk about what they are feeling and experiencing without judgment. Find ways to show them consistently that being LGBTQIA is OK. When talking about the community, give them examples of LGBTQIA people in the media to look to as role models. Never assume your child’s identity until they can figure it out themselves.
Parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world, and it deserves to be celebrated. So I’d like to say thank you to my mum, and to all the other amazing mums out there, who are raising their children with love and compassion.
Charly volunteers as an ambassador for Just Like Us, the LGBT+ young people’s charity. LGBT+ and aged 18 to 25? Sign up here!
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