How to get out of your head and into the moment when getting frisky


So, you’ve followed the advice in my previous columns. You’ve mustered the swagger and asked someone out. Bravo! Remember to cash in your Cheeky Charmer points.*

*These aren’t actually a thing, remember they’re a fictionalised concept in my head.

You’ve negotiated date one like a pro and maybe had a couple more (those Cheeky Charmer points are accruing!).**

**See above.

You’ve dodged the inevitable lesbian bonding bullet (LBB). You know, where you go shopping for garden furniture around date three (it’s the stuff poets write ballads about people).

Incidentally, if you have dodged the LBB, please let me know how. Asking for a friend…🙄

Now, the time has come for “two to become one”, to “get jiggy with it” or any other lame 90s music reference I can think of to say:

It’s time for some “sexual healing”. I need to stop listening to Spotify while I write this.

Yes folks, the time has come (no pun intended, I do have a level people) where you and your paramour (look at me going all “Gentleman Jack”) to get it on. As long as it’s what you both want. Remember, consent is not only sexy, it’s key.

Sleeping with a new partner for the first time can be ridiculously exciting.

It can also be massively nerve wracking.

Or disappointing.

Just managing expectations here people🤷‍

And that’s the key: don’t over think, don’t over stress, don’t put too much on this moment.

It’s not always great the first time you sleep with someone new. But, with time, it can be. You don’t know each other. Even if you’ve had endless conversations contemplating the meaning of life, you don’t know each other intimately yet.

You don’t know what they like, what they don’t like or what order they like to do it in.

You can put massive pressure on yourself to “perform”, putting on a show for a new partner. You want to make them come and you probably want to come too. And that particularly little head fuck you play with yourself can derail the actual fuck.

So chill, sit back, relax, enjoy the moment. Let the Cheeky Charmer introduce you to their very own patented and proven concept:

“Everything is sex”.

Well, not everything. I mean, paint thinners are not sex. Neither are radishes. Or broccoli 🥦. 

What I mean is, instead of end gaming and running hell for leather towards that often elusive orgasm, stay in the moment and treat everything as sex. That way, everything becomes sensual.

Yes, the Cheeky Charmer’s dabbled in a little tantra in their time people. And you know what, that shit works. (That’s the title for my sex book, “Tantra: that shit works”. You’re welcome).

Kissing is sex.

Hugging is sex.

Holding hands is sex.

Talking is sex.

Looking into each others eyes is sex. 

Listening to their breath is sex.

Feeling their eye-lids flutter against your skin is sex.

Sure, many people want earth shattering orgasms but… Sometimes we put so much pressure on the destination, we forget to enjoy the journey. That’s where the sensuality and connection is. The journey’s where you learn. There’s a million sensations you miss when you’re reaching for an “O”. Those sensations are what’s gonna bring yo to your destination. If you zone out on them, all eyes on the prize, you know what? You might miss the main event. Which incidentally, isn’t the main event. Straining to come often means we don’t. Orgasms are over relatively quickly – even the earth shattering ones. When they’re done, they’re done. But, listening to your partner’s body, tuning into the their rhythms, finding your way along the erotic road map together … that shit works people!

DIVA magazine celebrates 28 years in print in 2022. If you like what we do, then get behind 

LGBTQIA media and keep us going for another generation. Your support is invaluable.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.