After flirting with Martine online, The Cheeky Charmer decides to go on a date
BY THE CHEEKY CHARMER, IMAGE BY KELLY SIKKEMA VIA UNSPLASH
Things I’ve learnt this week:
- There is such a thing as too much hair wax
- I can’t apply make-up without looking like someone’s melted a wax work
- I can’t do non-monogamy, ethical or otherwise
I’ll back up…
I’ve been hard flirting with Martine online. She has a smokey sexuality like smudged mascara around the eyes, that leaves me in a dreamy haze. I know I’m falling hard as I agonisingly wait for that little tick to turn red – the one that means she’s replied. Here I am, obsessing over a woman I’ve never met. Or at least the version of her I’ve created in my head. Thanks dopamine.
I told myself I wouldn’t do this, wouldn’t get sucked into the “lesbian thing”. You know, rushing at 500 mph towards a woman I barely know. But she’s cast a spell that leaves me wanting to know everything about her. Piece by piece, like I’m unwrapping precious glass Christmas tree ornaments, each one more magical than the last.
Ironically, the thing I’ve neglected to know is that she’s seeing someone. She slips it in when we realise, we’re going to the same party later on in the week.
She’ll be there, with the woman she’s dating.
It leaves me reeling, like I’ve been slapped around the face with a frozen fish (I’m not sure where that metaphor came from 🤷♀️) until she mentions she’s ethically non-monogamous. Despite everything I wrote in my last column, I think, “Maybe I could do this?”
The shattered dreams paste themselves back together like someone’s got the metaphorical superglue out. Or Pritt stick. Remember that, children of the 80s?
But, as anyone who accidentally broke their mother’s crystal vase and tried to stick it back together (with the aforementioned Pritt Stick) when they were nine* will know, you can never unsee the cracks. Once you’ve found them, they’re always there.
*For legal reasons, the Cheeky Charmer can neither confirm nor deny whether this actually happened.**
But, when we finally meet at the party, it only reaffirms my status as a massive, monogamous lesbian.
I also realise you should never promise to turn up looking like Leonardo DiCaprio in Romeo And Juliet when you actually look like a melted wax work. I ran out of foundation and improvised an unfortunate concealer/bronzer combo. That’s when everything went a bit wrong.
Plus, I’ve overdone it with the hair wax and look like a giant pencil.
We meet before the party and flirt a little on the way in. We have a nice little rapport going until she gets serious and tells me to “behave” out of respect for her date.
Her date she ditches me for, the minute we enter the party. Her date who turns out to be my mate Ro, who could absolutely take me in a fight ***(😱)
***Not that we’d have a fight. We’re both too nice. Plus, the Cheeky Charmer’s a lover not a fighter. Unless there’s a damsel in distress. In which case I’m prepared to go full knight in shining armour. Minus the horse. And the armour … I have allergies and bad knees.
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