“I needed to talk to her, for her to be rational and give me an almighty cuddle”


With each new cycle we have always been pretty good at being positive and looking forward to what could happen, rather than dwelling on the times it doesn’t work. Lynz is definitely way better at this than me!

Round 2 IUI started with the scans as planned and insemination day came quite quickly. It was a different doctor this time and it seemed to go smoother. No pain, no bleeding and what I loved was he said “Say a prayer now,” as the procedure was carried out. Wow! It has to work now. There’s more than just medical magic working!

We were both adamant we wouldn’t test early, as we knew how stressful it was. Except this time I was going away with the girls while Lynz was at work and it fell on test day. So we decided to test the day we left and then test the day we got back as well.

The test was negative when we left. Nah! I wasn’t worried about that. It’s a bit early, I don’t feel like it’s over so maybe it has still worked. It was good to be away and be occupied with the girls. It took my mind off it a bit. But as the days continued, and I realised my period was late, I became ever more hopeful that we would get good news. When I spoke to Lynz every day the first thing she would say was, “Anything?” Nope, I was still hanging in there driving myself crazy with thoughts that it had worked. Then I would ask her what she thought and she would admit that I probably am! Lynz was so hopeful, it made me feel reassured. I think we were both optimistic and I couldn’t wait to get home to test.

Then the day before we were coming home, all of the hope was gone and I cried. I cried because I was upset, but I also cried because I was alone. I needed Lynz. I needed to talk to her, for her to be rational and give me an almighty cuddle. My natural reaction was to jump into the car and head home. I didn’t want to be here feeling like this, but once the children woke up and were excited about their day there was no longer time, or space, to be thinking about me and Lynz and our feelings, just what I needed to do for them. I didn’t even get the chance to speak with Lynz properly to discuss it.

I felt massively deflated. I was also worried about what to do next. We had agreed on one more try. Did we try IUI again and then that be it or do we give it the best chance and do IVF?? There’s a lot to consider with IVF, including the time and impact on your body, as well as the financial implications. It’s a hard decision and we needed to make it together. I knew, for me, that if we didn’t give our all to the final round I would always regret it. “What if?” and “if only” would always be on my mind.

I just had to wait 24 hours to get home and have the most comforting hug ever and then we could have the discussion about what happens next.

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