We asked our readers for their queer-nundrums, and we asked a licensed relationship therapist to answer them. Here’s what she had to say…
BY SOFIE ROOS, IMAGE BY FREEMIXER/CANVA
“I’m dating someone new, and she’s never been with a woman before. I’m experienced but not that experienced. I’m worried that I won’t live up to her expectations. Is it weird to feel pressure for being someone’s first time?”
It’s not weird at all, but rather normal, and a feeling plenty of sapphics have felt at some time.
There’s this common but strange idea that the more experienced should always be self-confident, sexy and relaxed in bed, and that they should make their first-timer partner have the best and most amazing sex of their lives. But most queer women aren’t sex gurus just because we’ve been with other sapphics before; we are instead way more nervous and insecure than we might want to show.
If you’re someone’s first queer sexual experience, it’s natural to want to give them the best time, as you’re the person setting the “tone” for their future sapphic sex life, but that’s a lot of pressure to put on yourself.
Instead, try to forget the idea of needing to give them that perfect and cinematic experience, and remember that good sex and dating is very little about performance, and way more about safety, communication and curiosity, especially when being with someone new to lesbian and queer sex.
Most people will never remember their first time as perfect, but they’ll remember how they felt; if they could relax, felt respected and safe, listened to, if there was chemistry, humour, and an emotional bond.
And having experience should not be confused with being an expert or sex god. To have been with queer women before doesn’t mean that you know all the technical details, but it means that you’re more familiar with the situation.
You therefore have an easier time taking the lead when it comes to communicating and creating a safe and good atmosphere — because communicating around preferences and boundaries will always be more important than any form of impressive technique, so that’s what you should focus on!
I also recommend trying to remember that your partner most likely is just as nervous, if not even more, than you are, and that they also worry about doing “wrong”, coming off as inexperienced, or that they will miss any “unwritten rules”. This means that you’re likely to end up in a situation where you both are trying to come off as cool and relaxed, while all you want is to figure things out together.
So don’t try to be perfect. Go for being open, honest and vulnerable, and your partner will feel safe enough to be the same to you – which is when the really memorable and beautiful sexual encounters happen.
This said, it’s super common to feel pressure, but try not to act as if their first time with you is a test you’ll have to pass. You just need to be present, hear them out and show yourself, something that’s so much better and goes so much further than what being that experienced sex god with perfect technique ever will do.
Sofie Roos is a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist as well as author at the Swedish relationship and sex positive magazine Passionerad
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