The singer-songwriter chats to DIVA about representation, working-class visibility and her new album
BY ELLA GAUCI, IMAGES BY DANIEL DE LA BASTIDE
Looking for a new LGBTQIA+ artist to listen to this weekend? Let us introduce Heidi Boualili. The Southend singer-songwriter has already amassed a solid fanbase online, attracting 35,000 followers across social media, and has received strong support from BBC Radio 1’s Jack Saunders and Clara Amfo. Now, Heidi is gearing up to release her forthcoming album, What I Didn’t Know Then, this May. DIVA caught up with the singer to find out more.
Your album, What I Didn’t Know Then, is described as “a quiet conversation between who you were and who you’re becoming.” What are some of the hardest truths you had to confront in that conversation?
If you met me at 10, you would be shocked by how sure of myself I was. At my core, I always knew who I was and what I wanted. I was loud, boisterous, and you literally couldn’t shut me up. As I got older, I felt like I started to lose myself. I had short hair from the age of six, after years of begging my parents to let me cut it. At around 16, I grew my hair out. I’d always struggled with my weight even as a kid, but being 26 stone at 21 years old really was hard to deal with. I was slowly discovering my sexuality after years of trying to ignore it. I went from being someone who didn’t care what anyone thought to someone who was suddenly very aware of it.
My dad is Muslim, and he was very open about his views and how being gay was under no circumstances accepted. I never openly said I was gay growing up. My mum always knew, though. I think my dad did too; he just refused to accept it.
When I realised I was gay, I didn’t know what to do with that. I felt so many things all at once, and my first thought was “Oh God, I’ve been lying to everyone for years” and “what will my dad think? He’s gonna hate me”. This album was the first time that I’ve actually soundtracked my love life and not worried about what those around me might think. It was my reality, and I wanted to share that.
Over the years, I’ve seen the world through different lenses and seen so many different versions of myself. I want this album to represent all those versions of me. My 10-year-old self was unstoppable. The 17-year-old was scared to tell anyone she had a girlfriend. The 20-year-old who battled crippling anxiety.
You’ve spoken openly about bullying and feeling like an outcast growing up. How has being part of the LGBTQIA+ community shaped both your resilience and your songwriting voice today?
I was basically a bully’s dream growing up. I was chubby, had short hair, couldn’t sit still, and I would post videos of my singing and rapping (terribly) online. But the more people said things, the louder I became. Strangely, it built my resilience early on. I was determined to prove people wrong.
At the time, I didn’t really see anyone like me in the mainstream media. I felt like an outcast, misunderstood. I felt like I had to prove myself in order for people to give me a chance. Posting my videos on social media gave me a home. For once, I actually felt like there was a space for me. Maybe Southend on Sea was too small, and one day my music will take me around the world, and I’ll meet people just like me.
How important is it for you to represent working-class communities in the music industry, and do you feel they are still underrepresented?
Representation of the working class is huge for me. I come from a working-class family. My parents did everything they could to support me, even when it meant going without themselves. My mum is registered disabled, and my dad moved here from Algeria when he was a teenager. Between them, they made me feel like anything was possible if I wanted it enough. They supported me from the get-go.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Lord Sugar because he was minted. I refused to believe that I might have to say no toopportunities because we couldn’t afford them. I hate that people have to worry they might not be able to achieve something because of money. I’d love to sit here and say that it isn’t about money and that real talent wins. Well, it does, but it definitely helps if you don’t have to worry about money. Access does matter. Everyone deserves a chance.
Who are the key figures in your life that helped shape the artist and person you are today?
My mum is literally everything to me. She’s my favourite person. She’s my therapist. My diary. My personal chef. My number one fan. Most importantly, she is my best friend. She likes to think she’s my manager – I guess I’ll just have to let her live out her Kris Jenner dream. She’s taught me to embrace my feelings, my energy, and my big gob.
Musically, I have her to thank for loving RnB and Hip Hop. Every Sunday, we would go to Dagenham Market. She blasted Biggie Smalls every morning on the way to school, and I remember getting in trouble at school for standing up and performing Juicy at eight years old…
For young LGBTQIA+ people who might be going through what you experienced at school, what do you want them to take away from your journey and this album?
You are fucking awesome. That’s it. Please don’t ever dull your sparkle for anyone. Don’t be quiet. Don’t hide. You have a voice. You have a beautiful story to tell. Don’t let anyone make you feel less than. Push. There is so much more waiting for you if you’re willing to go and find it.
If there’s anything you take away from this album, let it be this – these songs are proof that it can be done. That little lesbian kid from Essex with a crazy dream who was dead convinced her music would be heard.
Heidi Boualili’s album What I Didn’t Know Then is out on 27 May.
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