Relationship therapist Sofie Roos offers up her expert advice
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Dating someone who is not ready to come out yet can be beautiful, exciting and complicated at the same time. If you’re someone who is loud and proud about your sexuality and is seeing someone who’s not ready to be open about theirs, there can be a lot to navigate. There are some things I would advise for anyone in this situation…
Let them come out the way they want
The most important thing is to never push the person! Coming out is a very personal and private thing, and everyone wants to do it their own way. You should be there without trying to affect how they take their next step. Instead, ask what your date needs, actually listen to their answer, and try to be there for them the way they wish you to be.
Don’t forget about yourself
Respecting their process doesn’t mean your feelings and identity should come second. If you’re up for being kept a secret, it can start to hurt and eat on who you are over time. You don’t have to put up with this. It’s fully okay to say: “I understand you’re not ready to come out yet, but this is difficult for me too, and I would need this from you”.
Talk about what you’re both comfortable with. Can you hold hands in public? Can you tell a close friend that you’re dating? What happens if you two run into someone you know? Bring up what your needs are, and why these things are important to you.
Having this chat early on opens up a very important conversation where you can make sure that the two of you are handling this well and not miscommunicating.
You don’t need to be their therapist
As a fellow sapphic or queer person, you likely relate a lot to their situation. You likely really want to help them through it in the best way possible. This doesn’t mean that you need to carry their whole process of coming out on your shoulders. You can be their partner, safety and support, without being responsible for their coming out process.
And last but not least — remember that your relationship doesn’t have to look a certain way to be “queer enough”. Two sapphics can be in completely different stages of their sexual identity, and still make a lovely couple. The important thing is that you’re true to yourselves and to each other about what you need.
Sofie Roos is a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist as well as author at the Swedish sex and relationship magazine Passionerad
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