“The romantic bond and intimacy can be impacted by that expectation gap”
IMAGE BY GETTY IMAGES/CANVA
Every year, around 3,000 same-sex couples undergo fertility treatments in the UK. That’s 3,000 consultations. 3,000 conversations over dinner tables about the best next steps. 3,000 waiting periods to see if the treatment has worked. 3,000 relationships which are often left in flux by one of the biggest decisions you can make as a couple.
For many couples there is a lot riding on their fertility journey – money, stress, pressure and hope. These stresses can often find their way into other parts of their relationships, notably in intimacy or their sex lives. For same-sex couples, this pressure can be magnified by the knowledge that this process is not straightforward. But why is it that fertility journeys can impact our sex lives? And how can we stop this from destroying intimacy?
Firstly, we need to understand why these processes can have such an impact on our bond with our partner. “I think because it really matters,” Anya Sizer, trustee for the Fertility Alliance, explains. “For a lot of us, there’s this assumption that we will be parents somehow. When that is challenged, it can be incredibly stressful.”
One stress which is unique to same-sex couples is the potential for jealousy or resentment to arise from the parent who isn’t carrying the child. Anya believes that this is where clinics need to step up more and acknowledge that these feelings are common and valid. “Often the partner can feel sidelined and that’s not the fault of the person going through treatment. There are fantastic support groups to reach out to. We need to normalise it.”
Anya also highlights that often stress can form in a relationship when too much pressure is placed on fertility treatment working quickly. “The reality is there’s often loss, twists and turns and cycles,” Anya adds. “The romantic bond and intimacy can be impacted by that expectation gap.”
It’s understandable that the fertility journey impacts our intimacy. “If you’re doing treatment – where you’re being poked, you’re taking injections and going for invasive scans – you might not want that intimacy,” Jamie Forster, one of London Women’s Clinic’s person-centred counsellors, explains. “You get protective over your body. You have to be really open about what role sex has in your relationship. Are there other ways to promote that intimacy if sex is off the table?”
Anya points out that intimacy can look like a lot of things during your fertility journey. Keeping that intimacy alive could be as easy as just going to the cinema or cooking a fancy dinner. Popping the “fertility treatment bubble” and doing something as a couple outside of that can help you to reclaim your connection. “It’s really easy for any of us to lose sight of who we are when going through treatment. It’s a very intense time, but it won’t continue forever. It’s about finding the tools to keep going while it’s happening. Don’t suffer in silence.”
For people who haven’t accessed counselling services before – especially not for their relationship – the idea of speaking to someone like Jamie can feel daunting. “Counselling is not for the broken,” Jamie says. “Counselling is sometimes for maintenance. It doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It just means that you’re recognising that what you’re doing is hard.”
“People often assume it’s supposed to be a super happy time,” Jamie adds. “And they don’t want to admit that they’re really struggling with some aspects of it.”
Building a family is a journey. For many, the path is not easy, it’s not linear, and it’s not without its ups and downs. But that doesn’t mean your love life or sex life have to fall by the wayside. By separating intimacy from your fertility journey, nurturing emotional closeness and prioritising pleasure over pressure, couples can maintain connection and joy even amid uncertainty. Open communication, shared vulnerability and moments of lightness can nurture your relationship beyond the medical process. Your fertility journey may shape your path, but it doesn’t have to define your relationship.
LWC has a specialist fertility counselling team on hand to help you through your fertility journey. With treatment packages like Kind iVF, one counselling session is included to provide support. LWC also hosts support groups and events to connect with other patients and specialists.
You can find out more here: tinyurl.com/diva-LWC-counselling
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