In this sapphic 101, queer sexologist Sofie Roos offers up her sexpert advice
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Are you a sapphic who’s perimenopausal, or who’s already entered the menopause? This is a period where your sex life changes, and a common misconception is that it always get less sexy and pleasurable. I’m pleased to tell you that it can in fact be an amazing opportunity to discover new pleasurable ways of being intimate. In this guide, I’ll offer up my best advice on how to have pleasurable sex during perimenopause and menopause.
Talk about your preferences
Your lust and what feels great tend to change. Communicate what you want more and less of, and what new things you’re interested in trying out.
I advise making the communication something sexy, for example by investing in a sex game that helps you talk about preferences and wishes.
Give the body more time
The hormonal changes that come with the perimenopause and menopause affects how long it takes for you to get turned on and wet. So, don’t stress. Instead, invest more time into the foreplay, and let each step take longer (it’ll make a huge difference!).
Good lube is your best friend
Vaginal dryness is a common effect of menopause. Investing in a great lube and using lots of it is a real game changer. Use it both during finger, oral and penetrative sex, and make sure to keep the bottle within arms reach so you can refill during the session.
Change things up
What worked before might not work as well anymore. Be open to new types of touch, and discover slower, softer and different ways of stimulating yourself and each other. Sometimes, it can feel easier to start exploring your new preferences during masturbation and then communicate what you like to your partner.
Let go of performance anxiety
Many experience performance anxiety and start to spiral when they realise that things aren’t working as they used to. When this happens, it makes it harder to be intimate. If you start to feel like this, bring it up with your partner. This tends to make most of the performance anxiety go away.
Sex toys are there for you
I really recommend every perimenopausal and menopausal sapphic out there to invest in a great air pulse vibrator or a wand vibrator, as they can stimulate you in a way that feels soft and comfortable, yet deep and gives you strong climaxes!
Prioritize your comfort
Hot flashes, sweating, sleep troubles, mood changes and achy muscles can get in the way of your lust. Start carefully, let everything take more time, use pillows for support and drink a lot of water. Starting with a hot shower before the intimacy can make you feel more comfortable and in the mood, so give it a try!
If it hurts — listen to that
Sex should never hurt, so if you feel uncomfortable or in pain, always stop and take that seriously. Many times, you can address what doesn’t feel great by communicating, discovering things slowly and by using lots of lube and sex toys. If that doesn’t make it feel better, then seek professional help.
Focus on your lust
Some get more lust, and some feel less interested in sex, and both are completely normal. The most important thing is that you explore what turns you on right now, and aren’t afraid of breaking old patterns, as what you used to enjoy might not be what you’re into anymore.
Lastly, I want to say that you have an amazing opportunity to have the best sex of your life when entering the perimenopause and menopause. Make sure you don’t try to re-create what was, but instead find what feels good right now because your body is changing, and so is your lust. So, be curious and make sure to communicate what’s happening to your partner.
About the author: Sofie Roos is a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist, as well as author at the Swedish sex and relationship magazine Passionerad
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