We asked our readers for their queer-nundrums, and we asked a licensed relationship therapist to answer them. Here’s what she had to say…
BY SOFIE ROOS, IMAGE BY KAROLA G/PEXELS
“I ended my first-ever sapphic relationship a year ago, but I still think about her constantly. I often see queer folks talking about how people’s first WLW relationship breakups can be really intense. But will I ever get over her? It wasn’t a healthy relationship; we should definitely not be together, but my brain keeps replaying the good times. Will I ever truly move on?”
It’s so common to feel this way, but the good answer is yes, you’ll be able to move on, even if it might not feel that way right now.
It’s always difficult to go through one’s first WLW break-up. It’s so much more than saying goodbye to a romantic partner — it’s to walk away from something that for many of us sapphics was the first period in our lives where we felt truly ourselves; where we could discover attraction, sex and intimacy without holding back.
So when we end things with our first sapphic partner, it makes the ending even more meaningful. Paradoxically, it can be even harder to move on when the relationship didn’t work out as hoped, as that leaves us with the what if feeling.
It’s also easy to romanticise what was, and forget the reasons why it ended, even though we know it never would have worked out, which makes everything feel extra confusing as we try to find reasons to go back, even though we deep down know we made the right decision.
Many people think that we should be relieved and feel euphoria when leaving something that wasn’t ideal, but the brain, frustratingly enough, doesn’t work by only missing relationships that were safe and loving.
You look back at those nights when you felt understood for the first time, or remember the feeling of how wonderful it was to finally hold another sapphic’s hand while walking down the street, and ignore all the stress, insecurity and everything else you felt that made the relationship unhealthy.
This means that you don’t really want her back, even if you think about her all the time and miss her in your life — it’s just you being human. And it’s also so easy to get stuck thinking that you “should be over it” after a year, but grief and getting over someone doesn’t follow any logic, and it often takes an extra long time when the person meant much for your identity.
Sometimes you’re grieving the actual person, and other times you’re missing the version of yourself you were at that time, or that they took out of you. Additionally, it’s common to grieve the potential you had, and the life you wish you could have gotten together, and when it’s a first true love, all these feelings tend to come at the same time, as that person made you feel things you had never felt before.
The important thing for everyone in this situation is to understand the difference between thinking of someone and missing them, and wanting to get back together. You can miss the beautiful times you shared, at the same time as you know that they weren’t the right person for you.
So moving on isn’t about forgetting or completely stopping thinking of your ex, but letting the thoughts have less power over you.
Most likely, you’ll never stop thinking about them completely, and they will always be a part of your history. One day, you’ll realise that the memory of them doesn’t feel like an open wound, or is something that holds you back, but rather an experience you have learned from, and you’ll be able to look back at it with warmth, but also thankfulness for having moved on and come such a long way, both with yourself and with other partners.
And in my experience, queer women often carry around their first love close to their heart for a longer time, not because it was meant to be, but because it changed them, and that doesn’t mean you’re stuck, just that you’re thankful for that it happened, and that you’re glad you took the step to start dating other sapphics.
About the author: Sofie Roos is a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist as well as author at the Swedish relationship and sex positive magazine Passionerad
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