“Contrary to the stereotypes, being bisexual really isn’t like discovering the benefits of Hovis Best of Both…”


Bisexuals. They’ve got it good right? They really are living the dating dream. So many options to pick and choose from, some may even say they get to be a bit greedy. Contrary to the stereotypes though, being bisexual really isn’t like discovering the benefits of Hovis Best of Both. As someone who identifies as bisexual, let me explain why…

Imagine a world where eating brown bread is the norm. You’ve grown up with it all your life, so you know no different. You don’t love brown bread, but you don’t hate it either. You don’t really see what all the fuss is about when others talk about the attractive ruggedness of brown bread, but you’ve never really considered a world outside of brown bread, so you continue as you’ve always done.

Then one day, you start feeling weirdly curious about a particular soft white loaf. It’s a bit of a shock to the system. You’ve never looked at white bread like this before, but for some reason you seem to have a newfound appreciation for it. Part of you wants to give it a try to see what this white bread thing is all about, but there’s another part of you that knows you probably shouldn’t experiment. It’s not the normal thing to do, and you don’t want people to judge you for it.

You try your best to ignore the urges, but no matter how much you try and distract yourself with brown bread, you just can’t get the white bread out of your mind. You start worrying and feeling guilty. How would your family react if they knew that you secretly liked white bread? You know they love you, but would they really be ok with it? Would mum blame herself for burning the brown bread when she made your toast as a child? Would they try and talk you out of eating white bread, and tell you it’s just a phase?

One day you find the courage to stop avoiding your thoughts, and listen to your truth. You rise above the fear and shame and come out as a white bread lover. You’ve never felt better and you feel like a big weight has been lifted. Some of your family find it a little weird at first, someone makes joke to disguise the fact they they feel a little uncomfortable about your bread preferences and you find yourself uncomfortably going along with it. You’re advised by some of the family not to tell the older relatives as they probably won’t understand. Some of your friends stop speaking to you, but you’re ok with that if it means that you can finally live your life without being in denial.

You’ve never been happier with your fresh white loaf. You feel like you’ve just started dating all over again, and you begin to feel comfortable with your new lifestyle. Then one day, you have a sexy dream about brown bread. What’s going on? You don’t remember feeling this way about brown bread before, but now all of a sudden you miss it.

You start having doubts about your commitment to white bread. Could you really only ever eat white bread again for the rest of your life? What if it was just a phase? If you started a family, it’ll be much more complicated than it would be with brown bread. What about raising the kids? How would the kids get treated at school? What if you’ve gotten in too deep and you don’t appreciate white bread in the way you thought after all? Surely if you were with brown bread, life would be much easier.

White bread gets the hint that something’s not quite right, and eventually your relationship becomes stale. After a difficult break up, you find yourself with brown bread again. You’re relieved that you’re no longer committed to white bread, but since being with white bread, your relationship with brown bread doesn’t feel quite the same. Something’s missing and your stomach feels a little empty. You’re no longer fulfilled with brown bread, and so go back to white bread. After a while, things aren’t working out so you go back to brown bread, and then back to white bread. You notice a pattern emerging and you feel increasingly confused.

Eventually you decide to go gluten free for a while to try clear your mind from distractions. Maybe you don’t need bread in your life at all, but that’s a sad thought. You even experiment with this hot piece of ass called Keto, but things soon start to feel toxic, so you go back to bread.

You wish the indecisive thoughts would go away. You question what it would be like to enter a Polyamorous relationship with both white or brown bread, but you know that you’d be stretching yourself by trying to love both loaves. One would probably get jealous, feel neglected, and go mouldy anyway.

You get frustrated with yourself and wish you could just pick a side and be happy. Why can everyone else do it but not you? What’s wrong with you? Your friends tell you that you don’t have to pick a side. They tell you it isn’t about choosing between the brown or white bread because one day you’ll fall in love with one of them and know its right.

You hope this is the case, but you’re experience tells a different story. You know that if you want to settle down and grow old with a loaf, eventually you will have to choose. You hope that day comes soon.

You try and take the pressure away and just enjoy yourself by living in the present. But in the back of your mind you’re always thinking about when your current loaf of bread will reach its expiry date…

Only reading DIVA online? You’re missing out. For more news, reviews and commentary, check out the latest issue. It’s pretty badass, if we do say so ourselves.

divadigital.co.uk // divadirect.co.uk // divasub.co.uk

One thought on “Bisexuality: A tale of two loaves”

  1. Wow! You have just explained what has taken me months to understand my current situation. Now I can use this to explain to my loaves. Thank you thank you thank you.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.