“They seem to assume that we have a WhatsApp group of other bisexual women who are thirsty for some action. We don’t”
BY ABIGOLIAH SCHAMAUN
I’ve been with my boyfriend for close to five years now. And being out of the dating scene has some advantages, as we all know.
I don’t have to wade through online dating apps. Separating the acceptable from the pervs, from the creeps. We’ve all been there. I don’t miss it.
But the best part is that I no longer have to come out to a new sweetheart. I no longer need to tell a man, (it’s always a man) at some point that I’m actually bisexual to only have them process the information and then maybe a week later, or maybe even a few minutes later, say, “Hey! why don’t we have a threesome?” like they’ve had this great idea that no one has ever had before…
Once a man hears you like both ladies and men, they immediately think that means you would like to have a threesome with any lady. And won’t it be a novelty for me! Well thank you – I’ll just go out find a girl for US. Because I, as a bisexual woman, have pussy on tap. Or at least that’s what I think straight men think.
And I know it looks like I’m lumping all straight men into one very big generalisation. That’s because I am. That’s because every single man I’ve ever dated has asked me to have a threesome with them.
EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.
They seem to assume that I have a WhatsApp group of other bisexual women who are thirsty for some action. We don’t.
Now don’t get me wrong I have no issue with threesomes and if it’s your thing then you do what makes you happy. There just seems to be an assumption among men that if you identify as bisexual, not only do you want to have a threesome, but the fabulous third woman is easily available and always willing to jump in the sack with you at the click of a finger.
It’s not like that at all. Dating women is like dating anyone else. You have to meet them, get to know each other and make sure you’re attracted to one another and also this third person.
It’s tricky. When you turn to your bisexual partner and ask them to drum you up a threesome, you’re basically asking her to go out and develop a relationship with someone else. So now, your dating for two for one man’s ego.
I mean yes, you can just go on the dating apps set the filter to “women” and then cold message girls with the “Hi you’re really pretty and seem cool. My boyfriend and I were looking for a third person to join us for some fun. You interested?” You might get a yes from someone. But what I guarantee you’ll get dozens of dozens of women who roll their eyes and thing “Ugh, again!” Then block you.
Another issue I have is that it is always the woman who’s organising. I get it. Women are more likely to feel safe if they’re being contacted by another woman. But as the person who’s burdened with organising the fun it stops becoming fun. It is now a chore. I did not give you my number so in two weeks’ time I could be doing sex admin.
The last time I was with a guy and he said, “We should have a threesome” I just nodded sweetly then I went on the old apps and I found a girl.
She was beautiful, smart, sexy. She was easy to be around, and I liked her. She was an absolute sweetheart. So, I slept with her. Just the two of us. And I never called the guy again.
It was the most literal f*ck you I’ve ever thrown at the patriarchy. (And it felt great).
Abigoliah Schamaun is a comedian and writer. Her show DO YOU KNOW WHO I THINK I AM? is on 5-6 August 2019 at Soho Theatre, touring nationally in Autumn. For tickets abigoliah.com/tour. Follow @abigoliah
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