We asked a queer relationship therapist for her expert advice
BY SOFIE ROOS, IMAGE BY DIVERSIFYLENS/CANVA
There aren’t really any unwritten ground rules to follow when dating as a sapphic. It’s more about having fun, being respectful and communicating. But if the concept of dating makes you nervous, it can be nice to have something to hold onto when you’re putting yourself out there. So, if that’s you, here are my 10 most important rules when it comes to lesbian and sapphic dating.
Be careful
It might sound like a boring start, but your safety comes first, so be careful. Don’t drink too much, buy your own drinks and supervise them. Make sure your first date is at a public and busy place, get yourself there and home on your own (for example, avoid letting them drive you), and let someone you trust know that you’re going on a date, and ideally share as much as you can about your date to that trusted person.
Be curious but respectful
There’s tons of interesting and personal questions to ask, but don’t throw them out there directly. Begin with the basics to get to know each other a bit first, and save the “When did you come out?”, “Have you ever been with a man?” or “What do you like in bed?” for later!
Consent is key
Before assuming or doing something, no matter if it’s going for the kiss or sending a nude — ask for consent, because that’s both sexy and very important.
Define what you want, and communicate that!
Think about why you’re dating. Do you want to find something serious? Or do you just have a fun time and get out socialising? Are you looking for sex, or are you open for something long-term but would like to begin slowly?
By knowing this yourself, and communicating it to your date, you’re saving both time, energy and potential heartbreak for the two of you.
This means that if you’re on a dating app, you write in your bio or early on in the conversation what you’re looking for. If you meet in person, bring it up when it feels natural, and answer honestly if they ask you what your intentions are.
Show genuine interest
As with all dating — be curious, ask questions to learn about them, listen to their answers, ask follow-ups, and generally show interest in your date as a person. That will not only make you more attractive, but also give you better chances of finding out if you bond or not.
Bring something to the date
It doesn’t have to be flowers or chocolate, but to show up with something to hand over as an act of love is always nice. If you aren’t into the classic things, why not bring a poem, something you’ve made yourself such as a bracelet, or show them your favourite music album. It can be anything that shows that you’ve been thinking about the person, and that you’re grateful for meeting them.
Don’t date someone simply because they’re the only option
So many sapphics experience that the alternatives are quite limited, especially if living in a smaller community, but I really want to advise everyone to never date a person just because they’re the only queer woman around.
Instead, wait patiently until you come across someone you really like. Why not change your environment? Go on holiday and try to increase your chance of finding other sapphics!
You’ll never be happy with someone you’re with just because the alternative of being single feels like a worse situation. So, learn to enjoy life as a single and date because you want to, not because you have to.
Accept that you’ll probably fall for straight women
This happens at least once to almost all of us. You’ve got to accept the feeling and try to enjoy it before moving on, now a universal sapphic experience richer!
And whatever you do — don’t put too much energy and thought into this person. Respect their sexuality as they respect yours. Don’t be pushy; let go instead.
Invest in your sapphic friend circle
An awesome way to meet other queer women who are ready to mingle is through mutual friends. Invest in getting to know other sapphics and expanding your friend circle, and you’ll have an amazing way to meet lovely people to date in a more organic way.
Hang out where lesbians are
This one might sound obvious to some, but many don’t think about going to the spaces where people most likely hang out because they’re queer women.
It can be bars and nightclubs for queer women, activities hosted for sapphics, queer political events or something Pride-related. Look for gay women where gay women most likely spend time!
About the author: Sofie Roos is a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist, as well as author at the Swedish sex and relationship magazine Passionerad
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