Relationship therapist shares 5 common struggles sapphic couples face (and how to solve them)

We asked an expert for her best advice

BY SOFIE ROOS, IMAGE BY JLCO – JULIA AMARAL VIA CANVA

Throughout my career as a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist, I’ve met many sapphics with relationship problems. I’m here to share some of the most common issues women who love other women are facing, as well as what you can do to tackle them if you ever face these problems yourself.

Growing too fast

Even though the whole U-Haul phenomenon is a sapphic stereotype, it’s true that some of us develop relationships very intensely. When things go a bit too quickly, it’s easy to unknowingly skip important steps that, for some, might be needed to be able to have the greatest relationship possible.

So, how to solve this?

The best is to purposely slow down a little bit. Talk about expectations, boundaries, needs, the future and values as you grow your connection.

While intensity feels amazingly passionate and is something good, long-lasting love still benefits by taking it a bit easier, so try that!

Minority stress

Sapphics and other LGBTQIA+ people are at greater risk of experiencing discrimination, stigma and prejudice. This can lead to minority stress that affects the relationship negatively.

This might look like you taking out your frustration, sadness and irritation at home on your partner. This is very unfair and damaging in the long-term for you both.

What you should do…

I advise women who feel this stress to set words on the pressure they experience. By explaining how you feel, you can help remind one another that you’re a team. You can create a space where you can be yourself and talk about bad experiences in a supportive environment, which will make you much better at tackling the minority stress. Don’t let it affect the love between you. 

It feels difficult to find your roles

Compared to hetero couples, sapphics often need to create their own relationship structure from scratch. And while this is one big upside, and something liberating, it can sometimes feel confusing.

Additionally, the classic and not-equal gender roles are at risk of sneaking up on you if you don’t actively build your dynamic! 

What can we do about this?

Talk openly about expectations — not just practically, but also emotionally. How would you like to share the responsibility between you, and what feels right and wrong when it comes to household labour, economics and other dynamics?

By actively choosing your dynamic, you’ll avoid situations of confusion and where one feels less equal!

Your community is too small

I’ve met tons of sapphics who bring up the stress of meeting exes everywhere, where it feels difficult to move on with the new partner. Always bumping into an old lover at the bar, in your friend circle or at work, especially in smaller cities, also increases the risk of jealousy, comparison and a feeling of “everyone knows everything about us”.

Is there anything we can do about it?

Yes, you should set clear boundaries together! What feels okay when it comes to exes, and what do you need to feel safe? To be transparent and open with what you really feel is the most important here, so respect each other, talk a lot and try to meet each other’s needs. 

Intimacy changes

While the lesbian bed death is a myth, the intimacy changes just as it does for all couples. As sapphics tend to have less sex as their relationship grows, the risk of feeling that it’s not so good at the moment is bigger.  

So what should you do?

Invest in having an ongoing and open communication around your lust, fantasies and boundaries, and ask each other what you want in and outside of bed right now. Talk about intimacy, both during good and less good periods. Make sure to leave shame outside the door. This will make you create an awesome sex life where you’re up to date on what you want and what you need. 

Sofie Roos, is a licensed sexologist, relationship therapist and author for the Swedish relationship magazine Passionerad. 

Is “lesbian bed death” real? Here’s what you need to know

Love media made by and for LGBTQIA+ women and gender diverse people? Then you’ll love DIVA. We’ve been spotlighting the community for over 30 years. Here’s how you can get behind queer media and keep us going for another generation: linkin.bio/ig-divamagazine 

Did you know that DIVA has now become a charity? Our magazine is published by the DIVA Charitable Trust. You can find out more about the organisation and how you can offer your support here: divacharitabletrust.com