“Remember, you’re not alone and there’s nothing wrong with you”
BY SOFIE ROOS, IMAGE BY JOHN LORD VICENTE/UNSPLASH
Are you a lesbian or sapphic who’s never experienced an orgasm? First thing’s first, please remember that you’re not alone and there’s nothing wrong with you.
I’m Sofie Roos, a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist, as well as author for the Swedish relationship and sex positive online publication Passionerad. I’m here to guide all you DIVAs out there who’ve never climaxed to how you can turn that around, and start enjoying orgasms – both solo and with others!
Explore yourself during masturbation
First off, you should focus on finding ways to orgasm on your own while masturbating – that will make everything easier. Here are three pieces of advice on how to do so…
Be curious
Try to switch what positions you masturbate in: cowgirl, laying on the stomach, laying on the side, standing in doggystyle and lying in the missionary are all great.
Don’t forget to try different techniques. Stimulate your clitoris with different pressures, movements and paces. Try to finger yourself at the same time, or touch your breasts and nipples. Rubbing your clit against something such as a pillow is called “dry humping”, and it can help you orgasm more easily.
Many times, trying to be in new places can also make it easier to set the mood. So, try to get off in the shower, bathtub, in the car, in your bed, on the floor or on the sofa – whatever you’re curious about and feel comfortable with.
Less than 20 % of all women can orgasm from penetrative stimulation – most need to stimulate the clitoris, so involving the clit and exploring your clitoris orgasm is definitely something you should consider!
Sex toys and lube are your friend
If you’re struggling with reaching all the way by just using your hands, then a sex toy would be a great investment.
Air pulse vibrators, such as a Satisfyer Pro (budget friendly alternative) or a Womanizer Premium (a bit more high-end), guarantee orgasms for almost all people with a clitoris, and are therefore a great beginning.
From there, you can also explore wands, rabbit vibrators or bullets – all of which usually give strong climaxes with some practice. Also, do not forget about lube! That just makes it more comfy and enjoyable, making it easier to relax and fully enjoy the stimulation. Just remember to go for a water-based option if you’re using sex toys made out of silicone.
Put yourself in the right state of mind
Being relaxed when horny is key to being able to climax. Make sure you’re in a place that feels comfortable and that you’re using stimulation to get turned on, such as visual stimulation or by teasing yourself – or why not both?
Setting the mood with music, great lighting and candles can also help!
Give it time and practise until you find ways to orgasm. For some it takes long to reach all the way, but don’t give up!
Communicate your preferences to a partner
When getting to know what you like yourself, and what kind of stimulation gets you climaxing, then communicating that with your sex partner, both before, during and after the sex, is important. A partner might be good at what they’re doing, but reading your mind is difficult. By guiding them, you help them to please you, so don’t be afraid of expressing your needs!
Use couple sex toys
Using sex toys for couples, such as a couples vibrator, or just using a massage wand or a rabbit vibrator on each other, is perfect for all sapphics who’d like to come. However, a sex toy isn’t magical itself, so communicate about what feels good and try using it in different ways until you find what you like.
Let it take time
You’re not in a hurry, so let the sex take time. Sometimes building up a climax can go quickly, other times it takes forever, but enjoy the way to get there, and switch mindset from “orgasming should be the goal”, to “having a pleasurable time is most important, and if I climax, that’s amazing, and if not, it’ll happen another time, and that doesn’t mean this sex was bad!”.
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