While it’s never been easy to be trans in this country, the rise in anti-trans hostility has certainly made it harder for trans parents to simply exist in public
BY NIC CROSARA
I’m not a stranger to being misgendered. But it really has increased in frequency since I’ve had a baby attached to my hip and the hormonal rollercoaster of pregnancy sparked what some have called “twink death” on my body. And usually, it doesn’t phase me as much – I either correct people, or shrug it off. But from the very moment you start your family, you enter a world of extremely gendered language. Want to go for an ultrasound to check that the baby is okay? Prepare to be called “mummy” non-stop despite the fact that it says in your notes what your parental title is. Perhaps you’ve been advised to attend a baby group for new parents? While I never came out at the two sessions I did attend, my gender expression did result in people looking at me like I was an alien. Want to receive your baby’s birth certificate? You’d better prepare for a conversation lacking in dignity and respect.
Sometimes it can feel like we’re the only trans+ parents in the world, even though we know we are not. It’s a very isolating experience. We know that often non-binary parents choose neutral parental terms such as: parent, zaza, zaddy, dama, or simply go by their first names. Despite both having fluid genders, my partner and I both decided to have pretty traditional gendered parental titles, mum and dad, respectively. We are not a monolith. All families are different in some way. Our diversity is a wonderful thing. There’s no one way to be a non-binary and/or trans parent.
While it’s never been easy to be trans in this country, the rise in anti-trans hostility has certainly made it harder for trans parents to simply exist in public. As both my partner and I are trans, this is felt twofold. And, to be honest, being misgendered or having to have awkward conversations to explain our familial roles are the least of our worries.
Many parents feel relief and pride at their children growing up, learning new skills and becoming more independent. But for me, there’s a fear in the back of my mind about how we will take our child out into the world once she is older. At the moment, she’s still in nappies, but what happens when she needs us to take her to the toilet in public? Following the Supreme Court ruling on gender, I do not know if we will be able to take her. The guidance says that not only should we not use the facilities associated with our gender, but also, in some circumstances, we’re not to use the ones associated with the sex we were assigned at birth. So, will she only be able to access these facilities safely with her grandparents? What if she witnesses one of us being confronted in the restrooms one day for the simple act of letting her go to the loo?
While many other families think things like: Should we move to be closer to better schools? We have conversations about places we could live that are most trans-positive. We also often talk about what we would do if things continue on their current trajectory and we are no longer able to access trans healthcare in this country.
And yes, we have to think about things that other families don’t have to – and we spend a lot of time explaining ourselves to others. While I understand why we have to do so (thank you, cisheteronormativity), it’s amusing because our gender identities are some of the least interesting aspects of what makes us who we are. And that’s saying something because, to be honest, we’re a very normal, extremely boring family. I hope that in the future, trans people will have more rights in this country and families like ours won’t be sensationalised or stigmatised.
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