DIVA dives into Feeld’s latest report about a new way to model your life
BY ELLA GAUCI, IMAGE BY FEELD
Our lives are often defined by the relationships in them. Platonic, familial, sexual and more. For a lot of us, we have been sold the idea that romantic relationships should be the centre of our worlds. The fairytale obsession we should pour our energy into. But what if there was a way to engage with the relationships in our life differently?
This is where dating app Feeld’s latest State Of Dating Report comes into play. Working with sex educator Ruby Rare and surveying over 9,000 respondents, this report dives into the world of Relationship Anarchy and why it might be a good fit for you.
What does Relationship Anarchy mean?
Relationship anarchy (RA) is a relationship style coined by writer and activist Andie Nordgren. It often refers to the concept of viewing every relationship in your life – platonic, romantic, familial etc – as being as important as one another. It also states that there are no built-in preconceptions about what a relationship should look like. In practice, this could look like making sure you are consistently building all the relationships in your life with the same amount of “mutual care” as you might a romantic relationship.
Throughout our lives, we have often been sold a very traditional model of relationships. There is – whether we realise it or not – a bias towards prioritising romantic relationships as the most important ones in our lives. RA focuses on the importance of community in building emotional, sexual and romantic fulfilment in our lives.
Who is currently using Relationship Anarchy in their own lives?
While you may not have come across the term RA before, it’s likely you may have been practising it without realising. Feeld found that one in five non-Feeld members said that they had unknowingly been using RA as a relationship model in their own lives.
LGBTQIA+ people who have experienced ethical non-monogamy had higher rates of practising or being aware of RA. Feeld found that asexual people actually have the highest likelihood to be practising RA in their own lives.
“I think there are a lot of queer women and non-binary people who are pretty good at already embracing aspects of RA – with more emphasis on community building and queer platonic relationships in recent years. I don’t know if it’s more important for us to embrace this than other identities, but RA can be seen as an extension of ‘queering’ the way we do relationships, and diverting from cis-hertero-normative relationships values,” Ruby Rare, author of the report, shares to DIVA.
Why might Relationship Anarchy work for you?
LGBTQIA+ people have often grounded themselves in community. In a world that can be hard to live authentically in, the relationships around us are a lifeline. We’re facing a loneliness epidemic at the minute. Due to factors like discrimination and rejection from some parts of society, LGBT HERO found that a fifth of queer people feel lonely “very often” or “every day”.
So how could RA help with this? Feeld found that people who practice RA are 1.5x more likely to say that having a diverse range of connections helps with loneliness. In fact, people who practice RA are 20% more likely than others to report having a reliable support network.
Ana Kirova, CEO of Feeld, tells DIVA why this model of relationships could work particularly well for LGBTQIA+ women and non-binary people. “Relationship anarchy can be a good practice for anyone to explore as a different model for relationships, no matter your sexual orientation or how you identify. One reason it can be good for LGBTQIA+ people in particular is that it allows them space to recognise how their needs, their sexuality, and their curiosity show up with different partners.”
What are some of the challenges with relationship anarchy?
While RA definitely has some strong pros, there are challenges that come with using this model of relationships in your life. People who practice RA are 56% more likely to have experienced negative reactions from prioritising a friendship over a romantic partner. Feeld members who practice RA found navigating boundaries a staggering 536% more challenging than people who do not practice RA.
So how can we tackle these challenges? Ana says: “The way to practice relationship anarchy is with patience, self-awareness and honesty. Engaging in something that’s new to you, like relationship anarchy, can become quite demanding and requires us to know how much is too much – and that differs for every person.”
“We may not even recognise our limit until we reach that feeling of overwhelm. Instead of disengaging, be cognisant of what you’re feeling and communicate that with partners. Honest communication and honouring your boundaries are interconnected. If we don’t communicate our boundaries, then we cannot possibly make space for all the relationships we value. That’s why people report relationship anarchy as being challenging, because it takes time and intentionality to navigate. In the same respect, those who put in the work find themselves happier and less lonely overall.”
Ruby adds: “My main piece of advice is to go slow, try not to rush into figuring out your boundaries or ‘perfecting’ this straight off the bat. Take plenty of time for yourself to reflect and nurture your own needs, so you can show up with intention in your other relationships. Cheesy as it sounds, remember the relationship with yourself is just that, a relationship, and arguably the most important one in your life. RA is about re-negotiating this inner relationship just as much as it is about exploring with partners, friends, lovers, and broader community.”
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