DIVA sat down with Anna Wild to find out more about the importance of teaching young people how to spot unhealthy relationships
BY ELLA GAUCI, IMAGE BY LMK
Bisexual women are twice as likely to experience abuse in relationships than straight women. Over 40% of lesbian women have experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner at some point in their lifetime. Although abuse in relationships is all too common within LGBTQIA relationships, it’s often a topic which is silenced, misunderstood, or forgotten.
Let Me Know (LMK) is here to change that. Established in 2020, LMK educates young people about healthy and unhealthy relationship behaviours, preventing them from becoming victims or perpetrators of abuse through training courses and workshops.
Organisations like LMK are more important than ever as we’re currently living in a society where 80% of trans people have experienced emotional, sexual, or physical abuse from a partner or ex-partner. LMK is offering an escape from cycles of abuse within relationships, equipping the next generation with the tools to have healthy relationships.
We spoke to Anna Wild – one of LMK’s amazing workshop leaders – about the vital work that the organisation does.
How did you get involved with Let Me Know?
One of the reasons I really wanted to work for something like LMK is because when I was 21 one of my really close friends was murdered by her husband. After that, I found out that two to three women are killed every week by their current male (or ex) partner. I became obsessed with how I could make a change.
Then an opportunity with LMK came up which was perfect. Before then all of my experience of learning about abuse had been about things like ‘How to run away from an abuser’. LMK is the first thing I’ve come across that has given us the opportunity to learn about ourselves. We could also be the unhealthy ones.
Why is it so important to have conversations about domestic violence and unhealthy relationships in schools?
I start all my LMK workshops in schools by saying that we learn things like algebra and geography in school because we’re expected to not know them. With relationships, we’re expected to know about them without being taught anything. We’re expected to learn it from our families. It’s so important when you’re young to learn about relationships because you’re still malleable. I think it should be part of the curriculum – reading, writing, and relationships!
What’s it been like going into the schools and talking with students?
I’ve noticed the difference between the male and female students* behaviour. I have to really explain to the boys that they need to listen because statistically, they are more likely to behave in unhealthy ways in relationships. They need to listen to people who identify as women. I’m sad whenever I go into schools and see the “gender norms” play out when they’re only 13.
Domestic violence in LGBTQIA relationships is often ignored or swept under the carpet, why do you think this is?
I think we don’t talk about it because we don’t talk about LGBTQIA relationships. We see LGBTQIA relationships. But they’re still not part of everyday conversation. The assumption in all our workshops when we talk about scenarios is that it’s going to be between a man and a woman.
From my own experience, my first-ever girlfriend was super abusive. But I was so grateful that a girl would go out with me. Before I had been so ashamed, and I thought that dating would be so difficult, that when I got one I was going to hold onto it.
In lesbian relationships, you can become really protective over your relationship because you’re worried about homophobia. As LGBTQIA relationships are less accepted than heterosexual ones, we keep them to ourselves. We practise these really unhealthy patterns to keep our relationship because we’re scared that it’s going to be taken from us.
Do you think that LGBTQIA people in abusive relationships are afraid to reach out to traditional routes of help for fear of discrimination?
I think there is the fear of being invalidated. In society, we victimise women. If you say you’re in an abusive relationship with someone who identifies as a woman, you might be scared of being invalidated.
As a society, how can we help support survivors of domestic abuse?
The way we learn about relationships needs to be ungendered and unspecific from the beginning. Firstly, we should learn that we treat people in a certain way regardless of whether they’re a friend, lover, child, or teacher. Then we need to take away gender. That way we can learn about how to have relationships without being affected by stereotypes or internalised misogyny.
What are some of the biggest signs of abuse in a relationship?
The first thing to remember is that you might know someone who is an abuser. They’re not these crazy people with no friends. They’re people who have learnt dysfunctional ways of behaving.
Intensity is one of the biggest signs. Especially if you’re LGBTQIA, someone who displays intensity from the start of a relationship can feel so good at the time.
Volatility is also another sign. That doesn’t have to be just violence. It can be someone who tells you off all the time or someone who shames you.
Possessiveness is the third major sign.
These factors all slowly come in and isolate you in a relationship. When you’re LGBTQIA you’re already isolated, even though there is a big community. I see in the schools that there isn’t a sense of queer community.
*Due to recent changes in government advice which could endanger trans students, LMK is not asking students for their pronouns in order to protect them and prevent forcing anyone to come out.
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