How do you keep confidence high if your best moves ain’t doing it?


“I slam the door (Boom!)
When I come into the bedroom (Wham! Bam!)
‘Cause I’m the King of the castle (na na na)

Turn me on turn me loose (…)
Come get some of this, don’t forget the innuendo
Play me like Nintendo, never ever let go
Keep it so loud, you’ll be hittin’ the crescendo”

(Record scratch)

Ah, the sweet, sweet sound of euphemistically titled 90s classic, Come Baby Come (see what they did there?). It’s also the soundtrack playing directly to my brain “getting jiggy with it” (90s music ref ahoy).

That’s not entirely true. Sure, the CC can bring swagger to the boudoir, the bathroom, or a jauntily placed weather-vane on a rickety shed roof (yes that’s specific, no, I don’t think it’s advisable).

BUUUUUUUUT… how do you keep confidence high if your best moves ain’t doing it? How do you give and receive instructions?  Hopefully not like redirecting traffic (go left at the round-about, past Sainsburys, MIND THE PEDESTRIANS ON THE PAVEMENT!). 

I continued my cheeky chat with my gorgeous girl Rose to get the lowdown on how to get what you want, what you really, really want (end of 90s muso references)…

CC: Everyone’s had sex moments  where they’ve thought, “Why don’t they just move their hand?* This is doing nothing for me!”

*Interchangeable with other body parts, sex toys or a stick of celery (no celery was hurt in the writing of this column).

CC: So, rather than relying on Jedi mind tricks, how can you tell your partner what you want?

Rose: I think it’s about showing rather than telling. Often your partner’s working really hard to please you. So, if it’s hard to say what you need for you, say it for your partner. That way they don’t get false confidence and aren’t barking up the wrong…. 

CC: Bush? Inner thigh? nipple? 

Rose: (Giggles)

CC: Plus, false praise is a negative feedback loop.

Rose: I mean if it’s a one night stand and you’re thinking “This ain’t happening again” then…

CC: There’s no point training someone…

Rose: In that scenario I’d straight out say: “Do this” (because I’m gonna get mine while I’m here) or leave it at, “Yeah, that was great, bye…”

CC: “Where’s the nearest vegan croissant shop?”

Rose: Exactly! 

CC:  If you’re in a relationship, how can you direct someone without crushing their ego? Asking for a friend 🙄

Rose:  Be succinct, zero criticism. Add a compliment like, “That feels amazing. You know what would take it up a notch?” If you can do that, most people won’t even hear you’ve redirected them…


Rose: Am I telling you too many of my secrets?

CC: I feel like I’ve gone behind the curtain in the emerald city. I know I have an ego but, when it comes to sex, you’ve just gotta let that shit go. Truly learning how to please your partner makes everything better for both of you.

Rose: What do you do if someone’s doing something you’re not really feeling?

CC: I shout, “NOT LIKE THAT! DO IT BETTER!” Joking.  What do you do?

Rose: If I have to use words, I softly say, “Not now”.

CC: It’s all making sense…

Rose: “Not now” doesn’t halt the vehicle. It gets you closer to your destination

CC: Without going via Sainsburys, road works or the M40…

Rose: (Laughs) Right. It’s a gentle redirect. You’re saying, “That’s not doing it for me right now”, but doesn’t rule out ever doing it. Plus, no egos are dented. Not that there’s any egos around here.

And there we have it folks. Short and sweet, zero criticism, soft and empowering!

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