When you fancy someone as stupendously as I fancied Pearl, it sort of takes over, and influences everything you do.


When you’ve roamed the world looking for another lipstick lesbian to share your life with, the realisation that you’ve finally found one can be a little overwhelming. I had never been as attracted to someone as I was when I met Pearl. She was, and still is, absolutely perfect. When you fancy someone as stupendously as I fancied Pearl, it sort of takes over, and influences everything you do. Sometimes I like to look back on the mishaps that occurred as a result of the besotted behaviour in our first few months together.

There was the time on our first date when I was so nervous that I talked about anything I could think of to fill even a split second of silence. I cheerfully rambled on about how my family kept pigs and I once had a piglet called Sally, who I then went on to eat.  Pearl smiled politely at this anecdote before mentioning that she was a vegetarian and had in fact, never eaten meat, which obviously made me feel like some sort of meat crazed, flesh eating monster.

Another fun time was when we had been dating for a month and I was having one of my regular pre-sex baths. I noticed some hair on my toes that I’d never seen before, so did the logical thing and shaved it all off. Unfortunately, I cut myself a little and they bled, but thankfully not profusely. By the time I saw Pearl later that evening, small scabs had formed on each toe and they were thankfully hairless. Fast forward to when things were getting a little heated in the bedroom. Pearl abruptly stopped kissing me, looking alarmed. I looked around to see what prompted this and noticed that the bed was covered in blood. Not that awkward sex-blood you occasionally get, which would have been preferable. All my scabs had come off in the throes of passion and my toes were bleeding everywhere. Nothing kills the mood like having to explain that to someone.

Then there was the time where we’d been having so much sex that Pearl had to sheepishly visit a doctor about her swollen wrist and was advised to rest it and take some heavy painkillers. I still mock her about this.

I will also never forget the time where I’d been more concerned about going again than dutifully going for a wee after sex and karma punished me with a rip roaring UTI. This developed into a kidney infection that left me bedridden for three days. Oh, to be young and in love.

I reflect on those first few months of our relationship with fondness and amusement, but also a sense of relief. I don’t know how my ego, toes, urinary tract survived the tumultuous early days but I’m glad they did.  The irony is that now I fancy Pearl more than I ever have. And thankfully she still loves me, even though she knows that I once ate my own pig.

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