My ex and I were in the same friend group

This is why I distanced myself from my friends after my breakup, and why I wish I hadn’t…

BY SOFIE ROOS, IMAGE BY JACOB LUND/CANVA

You’ve just broken up with your partner, a person you either met through or integrated into your friendship group. Now suddenly, you stand there without knowing how to continue hanging out as a group without it getting weird. What used to feel like an unstoppable hangout with the girls now feels tense, unnatural and stiff, just because you fell in love with someone from that group, and now you’re no longer lovers. Way too many of us sapphics have been there.

I have been through this very situation a few more times than I wanted myself. Personally, hanging out with my ex and our friends after the breakup reminded me of what we could have ended up being, and made it very difficult to move on. I decided to distance myself.

When you’ve truly opened up the way only lovers can, there’s a connection that easily gets too intense when trying to just be friends. Especially shortly after ending things.

But whatever you do, don’t pull away from your friends. It’s a price too high to pay. Don’t start to make up excuses to not hang out. Don’t ghost the group chat. Don’t say no to grabbing that pint together.

While not hanging out post-breakup might feel easier, trust me, in a few months, it will make you feel lonely. You will regret not finding a way to make it work.

I know that so many do as I did because they think it’s in the group’s best interest. I did it to not cause drama, or to take away the good energy. But you know what’s more mature, respectful and responsible? Being open about your feelings and saying what you need. Talk about what feels bad, and help your friends (and your ex) to make it work out. Because, trust me, in almost all cases, it can, even though it can take some time.

And if you need to be away for some time, then fine, but in that case, let your friends know why you need some distance. So, if you ever find yourself in this quite common situation for sapphics, try to bring up your feelings and work for a solution instead of disappearing – that’s kinder both to you, your friends and your ex! 

Sofie Roos is a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist, as well as an author at the online relationship magazine Passionerad.

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