“I decided to embark on a radical experiment: 365 Days of Orgasms”
BY ANNETTE BENEDETTI, IMAGES PROVIDED
For queer women who are now in midlife, coming of age meant navigating a world where queerness was narrowly defined and often barely acknowledged. There weren’t many words to describe the complexity of who we were, or who we might become. Queer femme expression, kink, and eroticism beyond the gender binary and the hetero normative weren’t widely accepted or even named in ways that made them visible or accessible.
While younger generations grew up with a lexicon that celebrates a broader spectrum of gender and sexuality, many of us learned to make ourselves smaller. We tucked away parts of our identity, not because they weren’t real, but because they didn’t seem possible. When it came to sex and intimacy, our pleasure rarely took center stage. We learned to perform. To please. To shape ourselves around someone else’s desire.
But midlife can be a doorway, not a dead end. So many queer women are now experiencing what I think of as a second wave of identity and erotic discovery. As we peel back old narratives, we’re finding new language, new courage, and new ways to turn ourselves on. A few years ago, I decided to embark on a radical experiment: 365 Days of Orgasms. One orgasm a day, every day, for a year. Some were loud and wild. Some soft and quiet. Many were solo. All of them were mine.
What I didn’t expect was how much that year would change not just my erotic life, but my sense of self. Pleasure became a mirror. Every orgasm reflected back a part of me I’d once felt I had to hide to belong. By exploring my own turn-ons, my queer identity began to expand and unfold. I went from defining myself as bi, to pan, to queer — a word that felt wide enough to hold the fullness of me. I also found something I hadn’t known was possible before: a sweet spot where my high-femme identity and my dominance could coexist, and where that dynamic became a source of power and erotic charge rather than contradiction.
Pleasure became a path back to my authentic self. That’s something many queer women in midlife were denied: the chance to grow into our full erotic selves in real time. Because we didn’t have the language, the visibility, or the permission to be fully who we were. That’s why a pleasure reset isn’t just about better sex. It’s about reclamation.
Here’s what I learned during my 365 days of orgasms:
Pleasure is not a phase.
Your erotic power doesn’t have an expiration date. It’s not something you “missed out on.” It can deepen and expand at any age, especially when it’s finally centered on your own desire, not someone else’s expectations.
Self-pleasure isn’t a backup plan.
Daily orgasms became my way of listening to myself. Of learning what I liked, what I wanted, what turned me on when no one was watching. That kind of knowing is powerful.
Pleasure reveals truth.
Many of us built our lives on versions of ourselves that fit into tight boxes. But when you follow the thread of your pleasure, you start to find the edges of your real self, the one you may have hidden to survive.
Desire is fluid, and so are we.
Our identity doesn’t freeze at 25. It grows, bends, and expands. Midlife isn’t a closing chapter. For many queer women, it’s the first time they truly feel safe enough to explore.
This is our time.
We deserve spaces where our bodies, kinks, and queerness are celebrated, not erased. Where we can speak the language of our desire without apology.
My year of daily orgasms didn’t just transform my relationship with sex. It helped me shed a skin I didn’t realize I’d been wearing. It was less about climax and more about coming home to myself, to my queerness, to my power. To every queer woman in midlife who thinks her time has passed, or that pleasure is something for other people: this is your invitation. A pleasure reset isn’t an indulgence. It’s an act of radical self-return. It’s giving yourself back what the world told you to bury. And this time, it’s on your terms.
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