If you’re not good at communicating or you’re new to sapphic sex, this could be a great tool for you to use in the bedroom
BY SOFIE ROOS
To have a stop word during sex makes everything safer, because that gives you a way to clearly signal to your partner that you’d like the sex to end. This is perfect both if roleplaying or having rough and kinky sex, but also if just wanting to feel extra safe. For example, if you’re not so good at communicating with your partner yet, or if you’re new to sapphic sex.
I’m Sofie Roos, a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist, as well as author for the Swedish online magazine Passionerad which is about sex and relationships. And I’m here to teach you all about how to implement a safe word in the bedroom.
How does a safe word work?
The idea of a safe word is very easy. If it’s said or signalled, the sex stops immediately without further questions, and you always respect it, period. This means you don’t try to push your partner to keep going, or give yourself a few more seconds because you’re so close to climaxing.
Having a safe word doesn’t just let you have safer sex when it’s more “vanilla”, but also when you’re exploring rougher and kinkier sex.
If you’re having sex where the mouth is covered, you instead have a physical stop action. For example, tapping your hand against your thigh.
Ideas on stop words you can use
When implementing a safe word, you need to choose something you both will remember, and which you normally don’t say during sex. Odd words that stand out and put you off guard are generally preferable!
Verbal safe words you can use
- “Banana hammock” – an old-time classic
- “Foliage” – Michael’s safe word in the TV show The Office
- “Oklahoma” (or any other state/city/country you like) – it’s simply a word you most likely wouldn’t shout during sex
- “Ice cream” (or any other dessert or sweets that you like) – easy to remember, and unlikely to be screamed during sex, if you’re not bringing food into the bedsheets of course!
- “Red” – figuratively, simple and easy to remember
- “Stop” or “Safe word” – sometimes you don’t need to make things complicated.
Physical safe words you can use
- Nodding your head
- Blinking intensely
- Thumb down
- Tapping the bed, floor or a body part
- Clapping your hands
You can keep yourself updated on the safe word by checking in on both of you, remembering it from time to time. Just say “Say our safe word” when they least expect it. To keep it fresh is important!
Try out the traffic light system
Lastly, I’d like to introduce you to a system much used within the BDSM community that lets you check in on each other easily during the session.
Green means that everything feels fine and that you’d like things to keep on going as they’ve done so far. It’s a way to confirm for your partner that you’re into the stuff you’re doing.
Yellow means that things are starting to head somewhere uncomfortable and that you’d like things to slow down. This is a way to prevent the sex from going so far that you need to call out the safe word.
Red is the same as saying a stop word, and if spoken, the sex ends immediately!
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