“I thought I had life figured out”
BY CASSIDY BAILEY, IMAGE BY MONSTERA PRODUCTION FROM PEXELS
When I came out at 24, I thought I was super late to the party. The gay friends I had were all seemingly confident in their sexuality by their late teens – and, honestly, I thought if I was queer, I would’ve had it figured out by then too.
At times, I’ve absolutely felt like I’m the only person in the world who didn’t realise their queerness until a little later in life. But thanks to the openness of new friends, friends of friends and social media, I’ve learnt that this is far from the truth.
Here are five stories from queer women who came out in their 20s.
“There was no big announcement”
I was lucky enough to be raised by a relaxed, open-minded single mum who always asked if I fancied any boys OR girls, so it never felt like a big deal whether I was gay or not. Looking back, the clues were everywhere. I hated boys, my bedroom walls were covered in pictures of women, and I never wanted a boyfriend. I also thought I only fancied girls when I was due on my period, like it was hormonal or something. I never felt pressure to label myself, but when I met my girlfriend, I realised it’s not just about knowing who you are, it’s about living your truth. For me, coming out wasn’t traumatic or dramatic. It was simple and kind of obvious, and that’s okay. I’m a lesbian and that’s okay! There was no big announcement. No dramatic sit-down. I didn’t “come out”, I just told everyone I had a girlfriend.
– Ruby Hillier, 28, Bath
“I thought I had life figured out”
How did it feel to come out in my 20s? Scary! I thought I had life figured out, but as a new mum and following the breakdown of my marriage to my long-term partner, I found myself in the position of sharing with friends and family that I am bisexual. Not everyone took this well, leaving me feeling alone and isolated. Thankfully, things changed in my 30s. My network of love and support grew, family and friends came round to me being in a relationship with a woman and anexcellent work LGBTQIA+ forum has given me the confidence to be an advocate for others late coming out, alongside being an ally to other members of the LGBTQIA+ community. I couldn’t be happier!
– Sarah Beasley (she/her), 39, West Midlands
“I stumbled upon my gay panic ultimatum: Reneé Rapp”
Some would say telling your girls aged 13 that you’re “open” suggests you were already consciously aware you were queer. Instead, you dive into a decade of straight relationships, believing you’re just a miserable, awful person, batting away consistent and confusing feelings about women, but continuing to conform to a heteronormative narrative because it’s “normal”. The queer portal finally opened for me at 25. Frontal lobe in development, I stumbled across my gay panic ultimatum: Reneé Rapp. It wasn’t just her aura and confidence. The lyrics on Snow Angel mirrored everything I’d been feeling but couldn’t name. And her openness? I’d never heard someone my age speak so candidly about the pressure to conform before realising they’d always been gay. That connection gave me the courage to take the scariest yet most freeing step of my life: banishing society’s (and my own) discomfort and finally accepting myself at 25.
– Ella Weedon (she/her), 27, Manchester
“I’d been too afraid to fully claim it”
I first came out as bisexual over ten years ago when I was 21. At the time, it felt like the most accurate and safest way to describe myself – especially because my family, who are now allies, were then against my relationships with women. Saying I was bisexual gave me a way to be open about part of who I was, while still holding on to some hope for their acceptance. Years later, my life came to a sudden halt when I was diagnosed with cancer. That period forced me to stop, reflect and reconnect with my real self in a way I never had before. In that stillness and honesty, I finally understood that I had always been a lesbian – I had just been too afraid to fully claim it. It’s been a long and painful road, but I’m grateful that now there are so many relatable and visible lesbian voices in the media. Seeing them not only gives me joy, but it reminds me how important visibility and representation are for me and for others still finding their way home to themselves.
– Claudia Delrio, 32, London
“I found it really confusing… But that’s the wonder of it”
My words of wisdom would be that opening up to your queer self is going to be the best thing. Allowing yourself the freedom to explore this part of your identity opens the windows to all the other parts , and it’s like lovely light floods in to help you really see yourself. I found it really confusing, and I’m not any less confused now, but that’s almost the wonder of it, because you’re becoming something that doesn’t fit into the boxes that exist. You can have the space to imagine whatever you want. And queer people are the best, queer spaces are the best, queer joy is the best. You can grow your relationships how you want them, find spaces that make you comfortable, build your own community and let your body just be itself.
– Lilian Lemberger-Cooper (they/she), 29, London
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