“It was a matter of time before I realised there were no deadlines to the milestones of life”
BY NAZ SAKICI, IMAGES VIA CANVA
Meeting the love of my life at 17, finishing college at 22, buying a house at 24, getting married at 25 and by the time I’m 32, I would have two children and a successful career… right? That’s the plan, at least it is supposed to be. It is almost like there are unwritten rules to life that one must follow in order to live it in perfect chronological order, and most heterosexual people seem to get through that smoothly.
However, when you are a queer person trying to function in a heteronormative world, your life does not consist of math equations trying to plan when to do certain things. Your life can turn out to be something that you were not expecting, or the chronological order can get tangled along the way.
Coming to terms with your sexuality and gender identity is so much more than it seems. For most queer people, figuring those things out, no matter where they are in their lives, can cause a second puberty, whether they are twelve, twenty or sixty years old.
With all the goals and dreams that society puts on people, we queer people tend to feel behind in life compared to our heterosexual counterparts. This could vary from your friends getting engaged while you haven’t even had your first kiss, people around you having grandchildren while you just realised your attraction towards the same sex, or someone in your life getting promoted at work while you just left home to become who you always meant to be.
Academic and author Jack Halberstam explains this idea in his book In A Queer Time And Place by stating queer time goes beyond the grain and challenges the heteronormative ideals of order that include things such as marriage or reproduction. With the help of queer subcultures, LGBTQIA+ people create their own way of life that is outside of the norm and defies heteronormative logic.
Queer communities build alternative ways of living on their own terms by subverting the norms of society since we already have identities that don’t fit into the so-called “normal” way of living. Whether it is starting a new life in a different country, expressing oneself in their physical appearance, or forming your found family.
For a long time, I thought I was so behind in life while my friends were going out and experiencing all the stereotypical life things that they were supposed to. I was stuck and felt like everyone was moving and I was the only person glued to her place. Learning about Halberstam’s theory made me put all the puzzle pieces together. Growing up queer and feeling out of place caused a lot of insecurities I had towards the passing of life. It can feel strange when your friends are getting married and planning to start a family, meanwhile, you look in the mirror and ask yourself “Who are you?” It was a matter of time before I realised there were no deadlines to the milestones of life, and I would put myself and my life together eventually.
Queer time gives us reassurance in a world filled with anxiety and people telling us how to live. It shows us that not everyone has to fit into a norm and there are so many alternative ways to go through life. There is no timeline to figuring out, staying in the closet, coming out, and living your authentic life. Everyone comes out on their own time and on their own terms. We queer people should put our dreams first instead of the things heteronormative society tries to sell us as “the dream life”.
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