Here’s a guide from a licensed sexologist about how to explore the act in your sapphic relationship
BY SOFIE ROOS, IMAGE BY FREEFORM (THE BOLD TYPE, EPISODE TITLE TO PEG OR NOT TO PEG)
Pegging – the act of using a strap-on dildo to penetrate someone’s anus – is an amazing way for sapphic women to have sex, but it’s also quite tricky to get started with as a newbie.
I’m Sofie Roos, a bisexual licensed sexologist, relationship therapist and author for the Swedish relationship magazine Passionerad.
I recently saw lesbian singer and actor Reneé Rapp open up about the pegging joke that started her relationship with musician Towa Bird. This inspired me to walk all of you fellow sapphics out there through a pegging guide from a beginner’s perspective. I’ll guide you through the basics to expert tricks that make it easier and more pleasurable to get started.
Communication is key
The foundation of having a great pegging experience is being able to communicate openly and honestly. You need to approach the subject in a situation where the both of you feel safe, and where you’re relaxed and have plenty of time on your side.
Sometimes, it’s easier to bring up the topic if you’re in a situation where not looking directly at each other, such as when cuddling, or driving the car.
Some things to think about when talking about pegging with your partner
- When communicating, you need to listen actively, as well as be curious about each other. Ask your partner openly how they feel about pegging. Are they up for it? Are they skeptically positive? Or is it a firm no?
- From there, set limits. Talk about what you’d like to try, and what’s on your “no go zone”. If your partner is negative to pegging, then talk about other things to try that can help you ease into it, such as using a dildo on each other, or investing in a sex machine that one controls on the other!
- Before getting started, you also need to decide upon a safe word. If this word is said by any of you during the session, the pegging stops immediately without further questions.
- If wanting to be able to communicate more dynamically during the pegging, you can instead use the traffic light system, where green confirms that everything feels great and you like it to continue the same way, yellow that it starts to turn somewhat uncomfortable and that you’d like it to cool down, and red is the same as saying a safe word!
Pro tip: Don’t make the mistake of talking about pegging as something “manly” – view it as a type of sex that has nothing to do with hetero sex – that will make it feel more natural.
You’ll need gear!
To be able to have pegging sex, you need a harness, which is what connects the dildo to the pegger, as well as a strap-on dildo.
Pick the right harness
There are mainly four types of harnesses to choose from, and it’s important to pick one that feels comfortable, as well as one that makes you feel hot when wearing it!
You can pick between:
- Jock harness (also called “two-strap harness”): This model has two adjustable straps that goes under the butt cheek, something that makes it sit comfortably and securely while giving you lots of control!
- Underwear harness: This is a harness you put on as a pair of boxer shorts, making them very comfy, stable and natural to wear. However, you can’t adjust the fit – so make sure to buy a right sized one!
- G-string harness: This harness has one strap going between the butt cheek, something that makes the wearer feel more weight and movement of the dildo. The strap also helps to keep any eventual sex toy on the wearer in place. Just make sure you enjoy g-string underwear before investing in this model.
- Body harness: This harness is put on the whole body, leading to a high stability. It also relieves the knees and the lower back, which is perfect if you’re having stiff joints or back pain.
I suggest that everyone try out the harness before the pegging session to make sure it fits well, is stable, and so you know how to connect the dildo. Testing wearing the harness can also make the pegger feel more natural in it, and prevent the penetration from feeling odd.
Choose a dildo you like
When it comes to dildos, you’re spoiled by choice! As a beginner, I suggest you start off with a small and soft dildo made out of silicone. Make sure it fits with the harness you use, something that normally isn’t an issue as long as your harness has an O-ring, or a vac-u-lock system.
Pro tip: Remember that dildos feel bigger than you think, so to begin with a model between 10 – 15 centimetres is perfect.
Don’t forget about the lube!
Pegging is so much more pleasurable if using lots of lube, so make sure to invest in water based lubrication as long as the dildo is made out of silicone or any other rubber.
Pro tip: Heat up the lube beforehand, or put the dildo in lukewarm water to make it feel more realistic for the receiver.
Hot sex positions to try out during pegging
There are three sex positions that I recommend for all sapphics new to pegging to make it feel as sexy and pleasurable as it possibly can.
- First off, I recommend missionary. It’s face to face, which leads to high intimacy. You can change angles by playing around with pillows under the lumbar spine or putting up the feet of the receiver, and you focus mostly on each other rather than on the dildo.
- To spoon is another intimate position that’s not too intense, and that also gives you an opportunity to stimulate other erogenous zones at the same time, such as the clitoris or nipples.
- The all-time classic, doggy style, feels amazing when getting used to the strap-on. Here you also have a great opportunity to stimulate the receiver’s clit.
Pro tip 1: Use mirrors to see yourself while pegging. This is something that, when getting used to the situation, will make it feel much hotter – especially if you’re into using the pegging to make one be submissive and one dominant.
Pro tip 2: Also switch between slow and deep strokes, and quick but lighter ones, and don’t be afraid to hold the same pace for long.
Invest in sexual aftercare – both emotional and physical
Pegging can feel extremely intense, especially in the beginning, so it’s important to have aftercare together. It’s highly individual what you need and prefer, but to just lay in bed and cuddle and hold each other for a while, maybe with some music, can create a safe and beautiful moment.
You can also talk about the experience together, both about what felt great and what you would like to change if there’s a next time.
Others prefer to be alone, take a shower, go for a walk, have a snack and something to drink, or watch a movie. Find your way of taking care of each other after the session is done, and communicate what you need.
Hygiene is a must
Make sure that the harness, as well as the dildo, is clean before using it. Wash off the dildo with lukewarm water and a mild soap before the session, and put a condom on it, something that makes it more hygienic if you want to switch who’s the pegger.
By using a condom, you can also switch between anal and vaginal penetration by just putting on a new one.
After the session, it’s important to immediately wash off the dildo with lukewarm water and a natural soap again, as well as to dry it with a clean towel.
Then store the dildo in a silk bag, somewhere cool and dark and separated from other sex toys.
Some advanced tips to try when getting used to pegging
After you’ve found your groove, you might want to start exploring some more advanced ways of having pegging sex with your partner, and some of my best advice when getting there is to…
- Have roleplay where you explore and play with power play, different scenarios and fantasies. Plan up a scene and give yourselves roles and, if you want to, also use costumes or other props, such as handcuffs.
- Discover sensory play by using blindfolds, a feather or by having heat play with hot ‘n’ cold.
- Add in sex toys to make it more pleasurable, especially for the pegger. For example, you could invest in a remotely controlled vibrator that can be put inside the vagina or anus of the pegger.
- Switch roles – so both of you try to be top and bottom. This not only makes you understand each other’s roles better, but can also make you realise that you enjoy both giving and receiving.
Last thoughts…
Remember to start off slow. Take it at your pace and communicate all the time.
For many sapphics, it takes some time to find a way to have pegging sex that feels natural and pleasurable. But let it take some time, and be curious and try different ways of pegging until you find what suits you the best.
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