Here’s some guidance to help with those butterflies
BY SOFIE ROOS, IMAGE BY MIKHAIL NILOV
Are you about to go on your first sapphic date? That’s amazing, but I also know how nervous it can feel – no matter if you just came out, are exploring your sexuality or have just never have been in a romantic situation with a woman before.
Thoughts like, “What should I say?”, “How can I make it not turn out weird?” and “Is it any different from going on a date with a man?” are all common questions to have.
I’m Sofie Roos, a licensed sexologist, relationship therapist and author for the Swedish relationship magazine Passionerad. I’m also bisexual and I remember well how nervous I was before my first date with my partner. I would therefore like to guide all of you dear readers who’re in this lovely and exciting, but still nerve-wracking situation, on how to prepare to feel safe and emotionally grounded in order to have the best first date possible.
Think about what you’d like to get out of the date
Before starting to think about what to wear or what to do during the date, think about what the purpose of the meeting is.
Are you looking for romance and a long-term relationship, a friend with benefits, a one-night stand? Do you want to understand your sexuality better and see how it feels? Or are you simply open to whatever happens?
By reflecting on this, you can feel more prepared and in control of the situation! Being honest to yourself will make it easier to be clear and honest when being on the date.
While this doesn’t mean that you need to know for sure what you want, having an idea can guide you through the date, and reduce the risk of feeling insecure when being in the situation.
Pro tips: If you feel insecure, it’s better to tell your date that this is the first time meeting a woman like this. That can make them more understanding, and increases the chance of having a beautiful meeting.
So, now that that’s covered, what are you going to wear?
It doesn’t matter who you are – we all think about what outfit to wear, especially on a first date.
I advise everyone to pick something that expresses who you are, but, most importantly, makes you feel like yourself.
So don’t go for the outfit you think is most attractive or flirty – pick something you feel comfortable with, even though you, of course, should show up looking as if you’ve put some effort into looking like your best self!
Pick the right place
During a first sapphic date, it’s extra important to pick a place that you feel safe and calm in but also has an inviting atmosphere for conversation and being emotionally in the moment.
It’s highly individual whether or not you’d like to grab a coffee or go to dinner, or if you prefer a walk or seeing a concert together. Whatever you decide, visiting a queer bar or café after can make it feel easier since the environment is so inviting.
While busy places can be great to break the ice, such as attending a concert or going ice skating in the winter, I suggest also doing something afterwards where you get the chance to talk and get to know each other!
Pro tip: If this is your first queer date – be the one suggesting what to do. That gives you a better chance of feeling safe.
Keep your expectations open, not high
A common mistake many sapphics make during their first date with a woman is to think that everything will be perfect, especially if coming from dating men, where it might not have turned out so great.
However, you’re not in a romantic movie, and many first dates aren’t perfect. So, remember that it’s okay if it turns out not to feel 10 out of 10 the first time. The goal should be to get to know each other and be open towards what happens.
What’s the dynamic during a sapphic date like?
Sapphic dates are generally free from the classic old school gender norms, something that can feel weird, especially if you’re used to dating men.
Who should take the initiative? Who should be flirty? Who should pay for the date? There are common to wonder about. But many times, this falls into place naturally. So don’t overthink it – but let your dynamic create what works best for you!
Be open, playful, flirty, curious and give compliments in a way that feels natural. Try to just be yourself, and embrace the experience without thinking too much.
How much should I open up?
Many queer women and non-binary people are a bit unsure about how much you should open up during a sapphic date, and the answer is that you don’t need to share more than you’re comfortable with.
Your date doesn’t have any right to know anything that feels private just because the both of you are sapphic. Share as much as you’re comfortable with, listen as much as you ask questions, and talk about things that come naturally.
How to end my first queer date?
Maybe it felt amazing, maybe it felt great, but on a friendly level, maybe you didn’t get that electric feeling in your stomach, or maybe you simply don’t know yet.
Regardless, you should be honest with the feelings you get. And if unsure, it’s better to say that you keep in touch, and then go home, think about it all, talk with someone you trust and then get back to her when you know.
Last thoughts…
By preparing, you can increase the chances of having a good date, but it rarely turns out the way you want. Try to be as in the moment as you can. Give yourself a pat on the back when coming home for being so brave and actually taking the step!
Also remember that this date must not give any answers – it might give you more questions, so just keep following your curiosity, and be as open to yourself as you can during the ride!
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