DIVA dives into this phenomenon to understand how it’s being used by queer social media users
BY AMELIA JONES, IMAGE BY CHARLIEPIX
You’re scrolling through TikTok when that phrase pops up again: decentering men. It’s in captions, confessions, half joking how-to’s. Women online are embracing this idea, sharing their realisations that maybe they’ve spent too long seeking validation from men, trying to fit into relationships that were never quite right. But what does decentring men actually mean? And who exactly is this trend for?
At first glance, the trend might seem tailor-made for straight women tired of dating apps, talking stages, and situationships. And yeah, it is about them – but it’s not just about them.
At its core, decentering men is about shifting the focus of your life away from male attention, approval, and influence. It’s about refusing to let patriarchal expectations dictate what you want, need, or deserve – whether that’s in love, career, or identity. The idea is simple: your worth isn’t tied to how men see you.
For many straight women, this trend has sparked a realisation that they’ve been prioritising male-centred relationships for far too long. They’re re-evaluating who they invest their energy in, often choosing to pour that energy back into themselves, their friends, their careers, or just being without feeling like they need to fit into someone else’s story.
TikTokers like Eden Morrissey and Braineatingamoebva have helped popularise this trend. But queer creators have been part of the conversation too – like SameAngie, who shared: “The peace you feel when you’re a lesbian who decenters men in their life.”
Historically, queerness has often required a rejection of patriarchal norms. In the 1970s, lesbian feminism emerged within the second-wave feminist movement. This era saw the creation of lesbian-feminist publishing networks, women-only communes, and consciousness-raising groups that challenged the dominance of heteronormative structures.
The Lavender Menace protest in 1970 and the formation of groups like Lesbian Feminist Liberation marked key moments in the fight for both lesbian rights and broader women’s liberation. These movements weren’t just about gaining equality – they were about reshaping the very idea of what love, power, and identity could look like without being defined by male influence.
This mindset of rejecting patriarchal expectations and centring personal autonomy has lived on in queer communities ever since. Whether in the underground zines of the 80s or the digital spaces of today, queer creators have consistently challenged the status quo by building alternative visions of love, sex, and identity that don’t revolve around men.
For queer women and nonbinary people, rejecting the male gaze isn’t just about resisting beauty standards – it’s about existing for ourselves, not the approval of others. The reality is, real connection and happiness don’t come from fitting into someone else’s expectations – they come from embracing who we are, and surrounding ourselves with the people who get it.
As much as TikTok trends tend to be fleeting, decentering men carries a deeper significance. It speaks to the growing desire to step away from patriarchal narratives and have lives that are not dictated by someone else’s rules. For queer people, this shift has already been in motion, but for others, it’s a powerful reminder that self-worth comes from within – not from who’s looking at you or whether you’re in a relationship with a man.
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