DIVA spoke to Hinge’s Love and Connection Expert Moe Ari Brown to find out how we can get rid of “Prove It” pressure
BY ELLA GAUCI, IMAGE BY GETTY
Dating for bisexual people isn’t always easy. In a survey by Hinge, it was revealed that 75% of bisexual daters faced challenges when coming out. Some of these challenges boiled down to the concept of “Prove It” pressure: the idea that bisexual people must provide evidence for their sexuality in order to be validated.
In some instances, it may feel like there’s no winning. If you date someone of the same gender, you’re assumed to be gay or a lesbian. If you date someone of a different gender, you’re “straight passing”.
Hinge also found that only one in five bisexual daters felt comfortable being fully open about their sexual orientation with all friends and family. This was significantly lower than the 55% of lesbian daters who felt comfortable being open about their sexuality.
For many bisexual daters, there can be a fear that they aren’t perceived as being “queer enough” to be validated within the LGBTQIA community. We spoke to Hinge’s Love and Connection Expert and licensed therapist Moe Ari Brown (he/they) to learn more about how to combat “Prove It” pressure.
A recent Hinge survey found that only one in five bisexual daters feel comfortable being fully open about their sexual orientation with all family and friends. What are some of the unique factors which can keep bi people in the closet?
Coming out can be an obstacle for the whole LGBTQIA community as individuals may not feel comfortable disclosing details about their sexuality or gender identity with the people in their lives, or may still be taking time to internally process. Despite being the largest self-identified group in the LGBTQIA community, bisexual people encounter misunderstanding and prejudice from both within and outside the community which can make coming out even more difficult. Bisexual daters might feel more hesitant to be fully open about their sexual orientation for various factors, including:
- “Prove It” pressure: Prove it Pressure is the external expectation to validate your sexual identity. Bisexual daters experience this when they feel compelled to explain their bisexuality, especially when they’re deemed “straight-passing” by others or are in a relationship that is perceived as heterosexual. This leads to bisexual individuals feeling the need to repeatedly come out. “Prove It” Pressure is not just a casual expectation; it’s a deeply ingrained form of biphobia that manifests differently in today’s culture depending on one’s gender presentation and relationship history.
- Queer Imposter Syndrome: Over half (65%) of bisexual Hinge daters have experienced queer imposter syndrome, which is the feeling of not being “queer enough.” It’s important to remember that who you’re attracted to, how you live, and how you are in relationships are distinctive to you. You can define what bisexuality means to you and adopt that definition to understand your sexual orientation. Your definition of bisexuality can reflect who you are, not a generalisation about bisexual people as a whole.
- Experimentation Misconception: 59% of bisexual Hinge daters have experienced people thinking they’re just “experimenting” because of their sexual identity. This is untrue, we all have a right to decide how we identify according to what feels right.
- Social Stigmas: Prejudices and stigmas about bisexuality are harmful and spread misinformation about what it means to be bisexual. Those stigmas range from misconceptions that bisexuality is “a phase” to false claims that bisexual people are cheaters and can’t be monogamous. Bisexuality is a valid sexual orientation and the most common sexual orientation in the LGBTQIA community. Also, plenty of bisexual people practise monogamy, and their sexual orientation does not determine their status as a monogamous person. These stigmas often make it more challenging for bisexual daters to be comfortable being open about their sexuality.
Bi daters can sometimes face what is sometimes called “double discrimination”, or biphobic prejudices from potential partners. What is the impact of this on bisexual daters? And how can other LGTQIA daters unlearn some of the biphobic prejudices they may have (some of which may be subconscious)?
52% of bisexual Hinge daters have felt not fully accepted in the LGBTQIA community. Biphobia and fear of exploration make it harder for bisexual people to form community bonds and feel comfortable sharing their authentic selves. For those on a journey of self-understanding, turning to the LGBTQIA community for guidance can be vital. With this in mind, the LGBTQIA community must try to unlearn any biphobic prejudices they may have, even subconscious prejudices which can be challenging to recognise in yourself.
As LGBTQIA people, we are often living, loving, working, and building in spaces that are not always favourable to us sharing our authenticity. Often, that means we receive messages from individuals, our families, and even our communities that are negative toward the queer community. When we internalise these messages, we may begin to think that something is inherently wrong with us for being ourselves. For a bisexual person, this internalisation is what we might call “internalised biphobia.”
To begin to unlearn internalised biphobia, we must first identify the prejudices we’ve taken in throughout our lives. Second, we should explore truths that replace those internal messages. For example, if you grew up thinking people can’t be bisexual, it would be helpful to learn about just how large the bisexual community is as a start to replacing those internalised prejudices with facts and truth.
What advice would you give to bisexual daters who don’t feel comfortable coming out as bi for fear of what their partner might say?
Biphobia can take the shape of discriminatory rejection, when daters are unwilling to explore connections with bisexual partners, leaving many feeling hesitant to discuss their sexuality. It’s understandable then that nearly half of Hinge bisexual daters who’ve never had a queer experience say they feel afraid to navigate open discussions about their dating past with dates.
Here are my top tips:
- Evict the opinions of other people living rent-free in your head. Cosy up to the sound of your own inner voice and let your voice guide you on your dating journey. Ultimately, you’re the only one who can live your life. That means your needs, desires, thoughts, and opinions must be the priority and occupy the most real estate in your mind.
- Release any imposter syndrome when it comes to bisexuality. Imposter syndrome can happen for LGBTQIA people when we are experiencing self-doubt around our identities, and it can increase when we experience this “prove it” pressure from others. Remember, there is not only one way to be bisexual, and there are a wide variety of ways to express the same sexual orientation.
- Share your sexual orientation earlier in your dating relationships. While I always encourage you to share your sexual orientation at a pace that feels right for you, I encourage you to consider sharing earlier in your dating relationships because sharing earlier can foster trust and boost the confidence you feel in the relationship. If you feel like you can’t tell your date an important aspect of your identity, it likely will impact how comfortable you feel with them, potentially clouding your experience of the connection until you share.
What are some tips you can give to bisexual daters in owning their bisexuality within relationships and still taking Pride in their identity regardless of the gender of the person they are dating?
Define bisexuality on your terms. Bisexual people make up the majority of the LGBTQIA community, so there are many unique ways to be bisexual. Who you’re attracted to, how you live, and how you are in relationships are distinctive to you. Your definition of bisexuality can reflect who you are, not a generalisation about bisexual people as a whole.
Embrace your authenticity. In order to combat comparing yourself to others, it’s essential to lean into your unique identity and express your bisexuality in ways that feel true to you. One way is to purchase an item that can be a memento that reminds you of or celebrates your bisexuality. It could be an item for your home or a piece of jewellery you wear. Whatever it is, the idea is that when you see it or interact with it, it can bring you joy and affirm your identity.
Build community and share about your experiences. Whether your friends are LGBTQIA or cisgender heterosexual, I encourage you to share your experiences with your trusted companions. Talking more about your lived experiences, how you identify, and how you think about relationships can help you feel confident in your bisexuality. Discussing this can also help you practise sharing with others beyond your friend group.
Remind yourself: “I have nothing to prove”. No one else can tell you who you’re attracted to. You know who you are. When you’re navigating challenging moments, remind yourself that you don’t have to prove who you are or who you like to anyone. Authenticity is about being yourself even while other people are being themselves.
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