“I hope one day I will be able to celebrate my wedding anniversary openly and have no reason to fear”
BY RAGA D’SILVA, @PAULPWPHOTOGRAPHY
It was my wedding anniversary recently. 13 August. Two years since we registered our marriage legally! I posted on all my social handles. My heart was celebrating.
But I was PETRIFIED!
I had anxious days and sleepless nights. It suddenly dawned on me how much PTSD I must suffer; my anxiety levels had been raised since I posted our wedding photo online.
Each time I share anything about my life or sexual orientation; be it a simple post on marriage equality, or equal rights for us or a simple family photo, I receive lots of love, and then the hate and abuse follow.
Each time that happens, I ask myself “Why?” The “Why” I ask myself is not only “Why do people react with so much hate?”, but it is also “Why do I put myself in this position?”.
I had a great, fairytale life (as my mother would call it), when I was married to a man, became a mother to two amazing twins, emigrated to New Zealand, and had a beautiful house and all the privileges that a successful life brings.
It changed completely for me when I made a choice to live my truth.
I married a woman.
I lost those privileges that I took for granted in my marriage to a man. I did not realise how much pain, abuse and trauma that decision would bring for me and my family.
I made some poor choices in my initial days of coming out; like getting into a very violent relationship with a woman. The first woman I dated nearly killed me.
Strangers abused me. Spat on me. Broke into my car and left shocking abusive graffiti on my car windshield. I was ostracised from my own Asian community and now by my blood family.
I kept asking myself, “Why? Why did you choose this life, Raga?”, repeatedly.
The answers did not appear for years.
Several years later when I wrote my first book, Untold Lies, in which I shared a bit about my journey, and the media got hold of my story; my once very private life started becoming public.
It was extremely uncomfortable to share my personal life in the media, and over social channels. I received love, lots of it; but the hate, threats, vitriol, abuses towards me and my family started. It was evident that those who were spewing hate were targeting me to get their own darkness out. None of it made any sense to me. I found myself withdrawing from the world many times, to stay sane and away from such toxicity and to keep my family safe.
I kept asking myself, “Why?”
And then suddenly one day just like that the answer arrived.
I realised that I was handed over this life; as a gay Indian woman, with children, with the journey that I had been on, to be an example for how things should not be for anyone. How life need not be this hard just because I loved a woman. Perhaps my story would wake up parents to do the right thing for their children, and not force them to marry someone just to keep the patriarchy alive. Perhaps my story would allow our children to safely choose love and who they love would not matter.
I realised that families would break eventually if we didn’t allow love to win. Like mine did, until I created a new family. A family that many in my community don’t want to know. Children will still suffer the consequences of choices made by the patriarchal brigade.
I was the chosen one, I told myself. This made it easier for me to allow the extreme anxiety, fear and stress that is often part of my existing life. I realised I am no longer fighting my own fight – my fight goes beyond me and my family.
My life is now packaged around this fear, and I hope one day I no longer need to fear this world just because I love a woman. I hope one day I will be able to celebrate my wedding anniversary openly and have no reason to fear.
Please join me in conversation with Seyan Sarvan on 29 August, 7 pm onwards at The Common Press to discuss Untold Lies and more …
Link to register: outsavvy.com/event/21640/untold-lies-an-evening-with-author-raga-dsilva
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