Our dating columnist gives up sage advice on how to overcome the classic WLW hurdle of starting a conversation with a stranger

BY THE CHEEKY CHARMER, IMAGE BY PNW PRODUCTION VIA PEXELS

I’m sitting in a giant pink vulva, drink in one hand, cute girl in my lap, wondering how I got here.

To clarify, it’s a vulva CUSHION not an actual vulva. I’m not sure that would be anatomically possible, or hygienic. The girl and drink are real though.

How I got here (aka girl in lap) was by doing the one thing I see lesbians fail at time and time again: I SPOKE to her. With actual words.

Yes folks, the first rule of lesbian dating is to actually chat someone up.

I’ve lost count of the lost opportunities I’ve seen in clubs and bars across the land where women have stood wistfully staring at someone, only to go home without doing anything about it. Usually bemoaning their singledom.

It’s a mystery how ANY lesbian relationship happens given most women hug the walls at events like pre-pubescent teenagers at a disco. They come in and remain in groups, not interacting with the others.

Even the ballsy butches who eyeball you to the point you’re not sure if they wanna fight you or fuck you, often remain inert and don’t actually DO anything. There’s more pseudo swagger at these things than actual confidence.

Just an observation.

Lesbians are renowned for bonding super-fast, moving in together and buying cats. But, given the propensity for wall hugging, how we actually get to that point I do not know. 

Never fear, there’s a magical, mystical step between the inert pining and nesting with cats I will share with you.

This magical step is called: T-A-L-K-I-N-G.

Ideally: F-L-I-R-T-I-N-G, not just talking about what kind of hedge trimmer you own. As in the garden variety, not one for your nether regions. Take your mind out of the gutter please. Yes, I’m talking to you

Which is how, if you muster the swagger, you can fly in under the radar. And potentially end up sitting in a giant pink vulva* with a lovely woman in your lap.

*The vulva cushion is specific to my story. It’s not a pre-requisite to all dating scenarios. You don’t need to carry one around with you or anything.

Yes, I know it’s scary. Rejection can feel humiliating (I’m really selling this, aren’t I?🙄). But, as my dear old Gran used to say, “if you don’t ask, you don’t get”. What do you have to lose? Apart from your dignity? (Ok, I’ll stop now🙄). Who doesn’t like being chatted up, as long as it’s done respectfully? We all get a little ego boost knowing someone fancies us.

Modelling is a good way to boost confidence, if you’re feeling shy. As in picking someone you look up to, who’s got bags of swagger, and channelling them.  Ask yourself, “What would Anne Lister do?” – whip out her barometer and dazzle them with endless coal talk probably. You get my drift…

Think, “panther on the prowl”, even if you’re more “puppy dog wetting itself” because you’ve never chatted up a girl before (or been house trained).

Take me and my vulva (cushion). It went down something like this:

I spy cute girl sitting in pink vulva (cushion), equally pink cocktail in hand.

I sidle over and ask what came first, the pink vulva (cushion!) or the pink drink (see what I did there?). It’s lame but it works. She giggles and, her pint-sized Kylie Minogue cuteness has me “spinning around” (sorry/not sorry).

And then we’re chatting and getting our flirt on. At some point we make the swap so I’m sitting in the vulva (cushion) and she’s sitting in my lap (vulva – she’s practically in my vulva now, let’s be honest).

AND-THAT-IS-HOW-IT’S-DONE.

Although, bear in mind I’m still single🙄.

But you know what, you’ve gotta find your own groove. I’m chatting about cheekiness and swagger but that’s me. Do you. Channel your confidence, however that presents itself. Maybe find someone you admire and model their essence. BUT give it the uniqueness of you. You’re awesome, you’re amazing, you’re a catch. If the lady in question shoots you down, pat yourself on the back for trying. 

Who knows, it might work and you could be dusting off that cat basket…unless you’re allergic…

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