It’s time to put this myth to bed…
BY SOFIE ROOS, IMAGE BY GETTY IMAGES SIGNATURE/CANVA
We have all heard this old saying that lesbians’ sex lives die in long-term relationships. But is it really true?
I’m Sofie Roos, a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist as well as author at Swedish relationship magazine Passionerad, and I’m here to debunk this myth once and for all. Thankfully, there’s lots of data on the subject matter.
First off, this study from 2021 about the lesbian bed death found some interesting things:
- To begin with, lesbians are as satisfied with their sex life as heterosexual women
- While sexual frequency declines for both over time, it declines more for lesbians, which is the root of the myth of the lesbian bed death
- 42% of lesbian women in relationships older than five years were reporting having sex 0-1 times per month, which means that 58% do have sex more than once every four weeks, which is considered a quite active sex life after being together for so long
- Additionally, lesbians more often receive oral sex, use sex toys and vary their intimacy. They are also having sex for longer, are more likely to be verbally intimate during sex and engage in gentle kissing
Another study from 2020 found that the lesbian bed death is a problematic term as it’s based on quantity over quality, and that desire, satisfaction, emotional intimacy and communication are way more relevant factors to look at compared to frequency.
A third study published in 2024 found that, yes, lesbians and bisexuals have less sex than heterosexual women, but they do have an active sex life, and report longer sessions as well as significantly higher orgasm frequency.
The takeaway is that while women having sex with women tend to get intimate less frequently than heterosexuals, their sex life doesn’t die. And, even though frequency declines more than for our straight peers, lesbians’ sexual quality and satisfaction remain high, which should be what really matters.
So, just because a lesbian couple is in a long-term relationship doesn’t mean they won’t have an active sex life. More of us are just prioritising quality over quantity!
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