Sofie Roos reflects on how she and her wife navigated this dilemma
BY SOFIE ROOS, IMAGE BY PIXELSHOT/CANVA
People often talk about having children as the natural big life moment to come to. They also act as if it as a given part of life and a relationship. Most folks assume that all women are longing for little ones, and like it’s the way it should be. But for me, it wasn’t. And I know I’m not alone. There are many sapphics out there who feel the same way that I do.
My wife wanted kids, while I really didn’t. Navigating this was one of the most difficult periods for our relationship. She’d always longed to become a mother, and has been fantasising about names, upbringing and how motherhood would change her life. I felt so guilty taking that away from me. For me, it wasn’t an option to build a family in that way.
I’m not a mum and I don’t want to become one.
As you can imagine, it was extremely difficult for me to admit this. I felt ashamed. I felt like a problem and that I was being wrong, even though I knew deep down that this was the only way to make it work between us.
And while it’s easy to think that love conquers everything, it didn’t feel like that at times. This made us tear apart and created a space between us that sometimes made us question the whole relationship.
The way we tackled this was by seeing it as a process. We tried to talk about it, took pauses, came back and talked again, over and over again.
I felt like a bad person for not being able to give my wife what she had dreamed about for so long, and she struggled with the dilemma of staying with me, the love of her life, or going on and finding someone else who could give her what she wanted.
And I know, these are the things you should talk about before getting deeply in love and invested in each other, but sometimes, you just get caught up in the moment. Other times, you may avoid the topic because you don’t want to make it a reality.
It took quite a long time until she realised that I wasn’t a problem, and that I wasn’t wrong – just that we had a different view on things, and that you can’t force someone to become a mother. When the feeling of me being wrong was thrown out the door, it led to more honest, soft and open conversations that made both of us understand each other better, and meet in wanting different things.
We stopped trying to convince each other, and instead started to try to understand one another’s fears, longings and outlook on the future.
After tons of talking, we eventually landed on not having kids, and even though my wife’s longing didn’t go away, she accepted the situation, although I, at times, still don’t fully understand how she could.
But what I understand now is that I mean more to her than I could ever imagine, and that we can go through anything together as long as we communicate and are willing to understand each other.
By sharing this, I truly hope that I can give some sort of hope or energy to other sapphic couples tackling this dilemma. I want to say it’s okay not to want to be a mum. It’s a process of grieving this decision together – don’t leave your partner alone in that feeling.
Sofie Roos is a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist, as well as a writer for Passionerad – a Swedish online magazine about sex and relationships.
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