“I think it’s important for us all to remember that there’s no one way to use pronouns”
BY EMILY JONES, IMAGE BY GETTY
Pronouns can be difficult. I don’t mean the “I can’t remember your pronouns, it’s too hard” kind of difficult, I mean the internal struggle we can have with our own pronouns, and the different ways that people use them.
In my work as an ambassador for Just Like Us, sharing my story in schools, I often get asked how to work out what kind of pronouns feel right for you. This is a difficult question to answer. Pronouns are a big part of our language day to day, and they are a very important way of making trans and non-binary people feel comfortable and safe.
For me, pronouns have always posed a bit of an issue. In places and communities where I am not (fully) out, people tend to default to using she/her pronouns to refer to me. This type of assumption would make many trans and non-binary people uncomfortable, and to be honest, I’m not entirely comfortable with it either. But the idea of opening myself up to discrimination is sometimes more uncomfortable than the way the assumed pronouns make me feel.
I’ve thought a lot about my pronouns. For years when people would ask me my pronouns, usually at the beginning of a queer event, I would say they/them. I picked they/them when I realised that she/her didn’t really feel right for me.
But after a while, I realised that my relationship with pronouns was more nuanced. I found that my level of comfort could shift depending on the person using them, and that there were certain people who could use any pronouns they liked for me and it would feel right. While one disabled, autistic, non-binary friend who used all pronouns could refer to me with any pronoun and it felt comfortable, perhaps because of our overlapping identities, with other friends anything other than they/them felt wrong. I also began to realise that just because certain pronouns don’t feel wrong, that doesn’t mean they’re right either. I knew that he/him or neopronouns weren’t the right fit for me. I felt stuck.
However in March, my book club read The Heartbreak Bakery by A R Capetta. I was a few chapters in before I realised that there hadn’t been a single pronoun used for the main character, Syd. I was almost completely pulled out of the narrative when one of Syd’s parents used “she” to refer to their child. It was the first time I’d seen any representation of someone not using pronouns.
“Syd’s not using pronouns right now”. This sentence was a light bulb moment for me. If no pronoun felt right, then I could just say “none” when people asked me what my pronouns were.
I am aware that for some people, this is actually a difficult way to restructure language. So, when I am asked my pronouns, I often say none/they. I would prefer none, but they/them is OK if you make a mistake. This has had mixed responses, and even in queer spaces my preference for no pronouns has been questioned. I’m slowly building my confidence though, and I’ve used these pronouns in more and more different spaces.
So now, when I’m asked how to work out what pronouns are right for you, I often say: “Try them on.” Ask someone safe to use different pronouns for you and see what fits. Don’t just see what makes you feel not-bad, but see what makes you feel great.
This International Pronouns Day I think it’s important for us all to remember that there’s no one way to use pronouns. Many people might use different pronouns in different settings. They might change their pronouns every day, or never change them at all. And some people, like me, might feel most themselves when using none at all.
Emily is an ambassador for Just Like Us, the LGBT+ young people’s charity. 18 to 25 and LGBT+? Sign up now to hear about their next training event!
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