Licensed sexologist Sofie Roos offers up a guide to sapphics wanting to explore…
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Are you and your partner looking for a way to get the sex life going, to find new fantasies or just a way to communicate around what you want and need in bed, but don’t know how to do so?
I’m Sofie Roos, a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist, as well as author for the Swedish relationship and sex positive online magazine Passionerad.
In this article, I will help you get started with a sex list, something that’s a fun, relaxed and communicative way to explore, develop and stimulate your sex life!
First things first: What even is a “sex list”?
A sex list is just what it sounds like – a shared list with things you’d like to try out in bed or are curious about, as well as including information about your needs and boundaries.
Having a sex list is not only an awesome way to more easily express your fantasies and find things that both of you want to explore – it’s also a way to get a more honest communication around sex and intimacy, which helps you to understand each other better.
Why don’t we just talk about this instead of making a list?
For many of us sapphics, it’s quite tricky to verbally set words on our needs and wishes. Sometimes because it feels taboo or since we aren’t used to being able to talk about our sexuality with others, or because we don’t really know where to start. By making a list and getting these things down in text, and letting the list grow slowly with time, it often becomes a lot easier to express oneself.
A step-by-step guide to creating your very own sex list
- Choose if you should make the list together, or separately
You can both sit down in a cosy environment and write a list together, or do it separately.
If doing it separately, you can write either in a shared notes – just not when sitting together – or in a document only you can see, to later show to your partner when you feel satisfied with it.
I recommend having the goal of having a shared note that both of you have access to and that both can edit. That leads to more communication.
- Structure the list
By structuring the list with different categories, you make it easier to understand each other.
Categories I suggest you include are:
- Sexual fantasies and things you’d like to try
- Things you are curious about, but not fully sure about yet
- Your boundaries (hard limits: meaning that you never want these lines to be crossed!)
- Your turn-ons in bed: things that make you go extra horny
- Tips and tricks about how you like to be stimulated that make it easier for your partner to satisfy you. It can be anything from how you like your clit to be stimulated, to what sex position you enjoy the most, or that you enjoy getting your ear licked. The more precise the better!
- Things that make you feel safe, desirable and seen before, during and after the sex.
Pro tip: Write things down as they come to you. Your sex list might be empty for a long time until you start coming up with things you’d like to add – and that’s okay; there’s no hurry!
- When the list starts to play out, go through it
When the list starts to get filled up with things, go through each other’s comments.
Mark the fantasies your partner has shared with yes/no/maybe to find new things to try out together, as well as talk about boundaries, wishes or needs you didn’t know each other had. Try to learn from each other, and let these insights lead to a more fun, exciting, hot and safe sex life.
Remember to never make fun of your partner when they open up about fantasies, and always respect their boundaries. If you make your partner feel bad about something in the list, they will most likely never feel safe to open up again. The goal should be to make the list a space where you can be truly honest without judging.
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