Why don’t we see this dynamic more often?
BY LUCY CHUNG, BY STUDIO JAPAN
It seems that online, the debate over why lesbians aren’t friends with straight men the way straight women are with gay men has garnered attention. One TikTok user, @andrew.geels, raised: “Lesbian women and straight men need the relationship that gay men and straight women have,” sharing that his best friend is a stud.
In the late 20th century, the gay best friend became a common trope in media. In recent years, it has rightfully been called out for being at times tokenistic. Gay men can be reduced to a series of stereotypes and become part of transactional, shallow friendships.
Because this friendship is marketed to straight women, some of them seek out the dynamic for the wrong reasons. However, it has also revealed an authentic desire for straight women to be able to interact with masculinity in a non-threatening and non-sexual manner.
From witnessing these friendships in real life, it is clear that the relationship can offer both parties a beneficial space for mutual understanding. There is ample room for the lesbian and heterosexual man dynamic to serve a similar purpose.
Cis, heterosexual masculinity could definitely benefit from interacting with its reimagined lesbian counterpart. Lesbians take the aesthetic of masculinity but often imbue it with an added nuance of emotional sensitivity and acceptance of femininity. They are more daring in breaking social expectations around masculinity, and it would be great for cis men to feel they can do the same.
Similarly, a bromance friendship with heterosexual men could make masc lesbians feel more accepted in straight spaces and affirm their expression.
Perhaps the existence of lesbian and straight men’s friendships boils down to the fact that there simply hasn’t been the same branding behind it. Many users replied to @andrew.geels on TikTok, sharing that they do have positive friendships with straight men and vice versa.
Yet it is inarguable that this dynamic does appear less than its gender swapped counterpart. This could simply be due to a lack of common interests and shared spaces, or a lack of confidence in approaching each other.
The dynamic is perhaps problematised by the two demographics’ separate stereotypes. Straight men are often assumed to have toxic discussions about women. These discussions alienate lesbian women and also reveal a difference in how they approach their own romantic partners.
These kinds of assumptions about men, true or not, might make it difficult for masculine lesbians to feel comfortable seeking out male friendships.
Lesbians can also be assumed to be man-hating, making it difficult for straight men to feel they can establish these friendships.
Though man-hating would broadly be a stretch, there is some truth in the fact that a large part of lesbianism is learning how to decentre men. Perhaps it is just not as appealing for lesbians to seek out straight men for companionship.
Many lesbians have also experienced the straight male friend in wolf’s clothing, who pretends to accept your sexuality yet eventually makes a pass at you.
Speaking to some of my lesbian friends revealed that some had also sought out friendships with straight men for the wrong reasons earlier in their sexuality journey. One shared how, though she was out as a lesbian, she still felt she needed to surround herself with men to be accepted or protected within a heterosexual system.
Looking back, she said she realised she had been treated as a “pass” for the straight male group to make controversial comments.
There are certainly obstacles to overcome in creating healthy friendships between gay people and their allies. However, there is so much to be gained from creating a bridge of understanding and acceptance that defies gender and sexuality. The campaign for straight male and lesbian friendships should definitely begin now.
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