DIVA investigates whether we really ever grow out of that awkward phase
BY LUCY CHUNG, IMAGE BY ONE INCH PUNCH
If you are part of the LGBTQIA+ community, then chances are you have heard this two-word tagline. Perhaps you have self-identified with the label, or maybe you’ve heard it in passing and wondered what it even meant.
In the queer world, a “baby gay” is someone at the beginning of their sexuality or gender journey. True newborn status might just be figuring out the fact that you are part of the community, something which can often be hard enough in itself.The baby gay phase is the unavoidable road that must now be walked into the realm of the out and proud. Good luck, babe.
As a lesbian who was sure of her sexuality from her tween years, I thought my baby gay phase would conveniently merge lanes with puberty, and figuring life out.
For a while, it really felt that way, too. I had all the characteristic awkwardness of any teenager finding themselves, but I felt I took who I was in my stride and had no apprehensions about expressing who I was and who I liked.
However, moving out of my small town to go to university in a bigger city opened my eyes to how much further I had to go before I could say I’d truly outgrown my queer infancy. North Lincolnshire, unfortunately, hadn’t revealed any stellar insights into the lesbian dating scene.
Yet I was armed with all the ambition and excitement to enter a new place, and it felt like anything could happen. Firstyear, I got on all the apps and became intimately familiar with every Liverpool first date spot.
But on these dates, often with bisexual women, the same line kept coming up, “By the way, this is my first date with a girl.” This was never something that bothered me; everyone’s in different stages of their journey. The imbalance soon felt shifted when they’d string out tales of exes and troubling hookups.
I felt a bit stunted. All these people from London and Brighton seemed to have themselves all worked out already.Truthfully, I didn’t even feel attractive until I moved out of my small town, and now I had to figure out a dating playbook that everyone else seemed to have read from cover to cover already.
I’d have the confidence to initiate, but I never felt sure of myself in what to do next. So, me and these women would be left at a crossroads, where they expected me to move things forward, whilst I was just trying to figure out how not to embarrass myself.
They might have felt like a baby gay, but so did I. I began to realise what the term really meant, my teenage years were far from over, in fact, they’d just started. I was going through a second puberty, and there was going to be lots of awkward bumps ahead of me.
I realised that dating was also just a facet of this self-discovery. In this unfamiliar place, I had no queer community around me. Surrounding yourself with people with the same lived experience as you is a huge part of your queer self-acceptance journey.
I began to seek out local sapphic collectives who’d host everything from club nights to sports days, and found that settling into the local scene hugely grew my self-confidence.
From here, I experimented with my style and hair beyond what felt comfortable in my rural community. I’d never been afraid to express myself, but being around people who didn’t worry about pushing boundaries helped me become my authentic self.
At first glance, baby gay is a bit deceiving. It suggests a process of I come out, I’m this awkward thing for a year, and then I date a woman and I’ll grow out of it.
It turns out it isn’t something you can speedrun, or a tick box exercise, you have to fall over and pick yourself up a few times. What’s life without growing pains? With community, self-confidence and genuine intentions, things can only go right for you, so trust the process.
I’m proud to say being a lesbian’s probably the most interesting thing about me, and even if the road’s felt rocky, it’s the only one for me.
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