From how to open up the conversation to how to build intimacy together, here is some sexpert advice
BY SOFIE ROOS, IMAGE BY KOOLSHOOTERS/PEXELS
Are you a lesbian or sapphic in a relationship where one has much more sexual desire than the other? While a different sex drive can feel like a real obstacle, it doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship.
I’m Sofie Roos, a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist. I’m also authoring for Passionerad, a Swedish relationship and sex positive online magazine. In this article, I’m here to guide all you DIVAs who’re experiencing a different libido than your partner on how to handle your situation.
Bringing it up in conversation… how to go about it?
This is a sensitive topic because it’s easy for your partner to feel like there’s something wrong with them or that you’re considering this problem a reason for leaving the relationship – especially if you’re the one with a higher libido. This makes it easy for them to get into defense mode. Therefore, always approach this topic very carefully and in a serious context and without pushing them into a corner.
Here’s what you can say…
Start off by saying the things you like about your sex life. This will set a good tone for the conversation. You can, for example, begin by saying: “I really love when we’re having sex. I always feel so close to you, both physically but also emotionally, and I just feel so loved”.
By starting off that way, you make them feel like your sex life is actually great when you get intimate. You can follow it up with something like: “However, I’ve noticed that we have differences in our libido, or that one of us is more interested in sex at the moment. I thought we should talk about that. Have you felt this too?”.
This becomes a natural way to get to the problem, and you open up for a conversation about it in a way that’s not attacking or pushing. From there, let the conversation be soft, open and communicative.
Avoid leading questions, and focus on solutions
Stay away from leading questions such as “Why don’t you want to have sex with me as much as I want to have sex with you?”. Instead, try this: “How could I make you more interested in getting intimate? Is there something that you miss or feel like I could do for you?”.
Focus the conversation on finding the reasons for your difference in libido and on finding potential solutions. This makes it feel like you’re working together as a team, not against each other.
Ways to be intimate that aren’t sex
Being intimate in ways outside of sex can help stimulate the desire and result in a more matched libido. It can also work as a complement to the sex you’re having, and there are plenty of things you can do. It’s all about getting creative, because there’s no right or wrong.
- Kiss and cuddle, and let the one with a higher libido use that as foreplay to finish off themselves later
- Sleep naked together, something that promotes the release of oxytocin, aka the “love hormone”, which will lead to higher affection
- Take shared showers and soap each other in. An intimate and beautiful moment that sometimes leads to sex if both are in the mood, and other times is just a way to be physically close in a non-sexual way. The one with a higher libido can also get off to the view of their partner in the shower!
- Walk around in underwear or naked
- Explore each other’s bodies in a non-sexual but intimate way, such as by massaging each other naked with a nice oil
- Get emotionally intimate. You can do this by opening up and talking about things you normally don’t talk about. Turn off your phones for a romantic dinner, or do a painting together. Emotional intimacy in combination with masturbation can be a great complement to sex for the one with a higher libido.
Pro tip: Take sensual photos of each other, or record videos of you having sex, and then let the one with a higher libido use that as masturbating material.
Opening up the relationship, or investing in sex toys, can be a good solution
If the difference in libido is major and you don’t find any great way of working around it, then talking about opening up the relationship where it’s okay to seek sex from others when your partner isn’t in the mood can be a great idea, but you must talk it through very carefully first!
If that feels off the map, then investing in sex toys is another way to stimulate the one with more lust. Vibrators or dildos often work as a fair complement, and if having the budget, a sex machine often does a great job.
Stimulate your libido by investing more in the relationship outside of bed
To focus on building a stronger and more emotionally intimate connection outside of bed, a more frequent sex life can come as a result of that. So many times, investing time and energy in the ways to show, share and appreciate love outside of bed is the best way to have more sex.
For many people, a stronger emotional foundation makes you more horny and overall interested in having sex together. So instead of letting your difference in libido tear you apart, let it be what brings you closer to each other!
Should you ever find ways to compromise around intimacy?
It’s never good to compromise when it comes to sex, because that means that the one not wanting to get sexual as often as the other partner needs to sacrifice themselves at times and go along even if they actually don’t want to, and that’s not how you build a healthy and stimulating sex life. Intimacy always needs to be built on free will, lust and enthusiasm!
Instead, talk about your needs in bed and try to find similarities or things that both are curious about doing more.
For example, your partner might love receiving oral, but you as the one with the higher sex drive, might feel you’re not so good at that and therefore stay away from it. Then you can explore that together and therefore get going more in bed.
Further read: A sapphic guide to getting better at going down on your partner
Or you might find out that both of you get turned on by the thought of having quickies in public, or to use a remote vibrator, or something else that you haven’t communicated before.
By finding these things, you can get your sex life going without compromising – simply by exploring things you both are interested in, turning the “problem” with different libidos into a fun, exciting and joyful time instead.
Are there any turn-offs?
It can also be great to talk about what you don’t like, especially from the one with a lower libido standpoint. This is so the other one can avoid doing this. These can be small things that just put the one with low libido off, such as being too pushy. If you, as a partner, stop doing these things, it can make them get more interested in sex.
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