What it was like purging myself of the male gaze after coming out as a lesbian
BY NAZ SAKICI, IMAGE BY GETTY IMAGES/CANVA
Growing up, like many young girls, straight or queer, I craved the attention of men. I wanted them to notice me, admire me and appreciate me. In a way, I revolved my life around the approval and admiration of men in my life. Coming out as a lesbian and realising I don’t want anything to do with men made me do a 180 when it comes to what kind of attention I want from men.
The term “male gaze” was first coined by feminist film theorist and filmmaker, Laura Mulvey, describing women getting objectified by male filmmakers through the camera lens. Although the term was first used to describe something in the film industry, many women in real life face similar things due to the patriarchal standards in our society.
Patriarchy pushes us to a certain type of standard and expects us to fit into that in order to please the opposite sex. However, when you realise you are not attracted to the opposite sex, everything you believed about yourself and other women changes in an indescribable way.
It is a strange feeling, it really is. Because all my life, I tried to reach the goal of being admired by men. I dressed a certain way, did my hair and makeup in a certain way, I showed my cleavage in a certain way, just for the sake of getting the attention of men. Just so I can feel the highest level of social approval that our society has determined for us.
I felt the need to perform, be a character, even a fantasy from time to time in order to get a guy to like me. Now that I look back, I even ask myself if that was really me or a version I thought was the ideal.
Thus, when I realised I was not attracted to men, my perspective on how I presented myself changed for good, physically and mentally. I was no longer looking for a potential boyfriend who would define my position in society or make me feel appreciated.
This change made me love myself in ways I could not even imagine a few years ago. I started to love my body in ways I never did before. Every curve, every freckle, every scar, and every hair started to feel like they were beautiful parts of me instead of things I should cover or get rid of. For the first time I felt confident looking in the mirror, even hyped myself up, instead of feeling like my own worst critic. For the first time, I get to appreciate myself with all my qualities.
It also helped me express myself in ways I did not know were possible before. I get to define my femininity in my own terms, not in the way patriarchy wants from me, not in the way I was told right my whole life.
I am appreciating myself because I appreciate other women. Loving other women makes me love myself even more. Getting to explore my variety of types in women made me come to the conclusion that there is not one way to define beauty. Whether they are masculine, feminine, short, tall, slim, curvy, I get to experience a new type of admiration towards the same sex I never felt before.
Coming to terms with my sexuality helped me to be my own worst critic. It also made me change my perspective when it comes to male approval. Because I used to seek so much male attention, and when I did get the attention, I felt like my day got better. However, now when I get the same attention, I roll my eyes so hard that I think I might see my brain. It is funny how self-discovery can change our perspective for good.
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