You’ve found your person, but you both prefer to take on the same role in the bedroom. So what can you do?
BY SOFIE ROOS, IMAGE BY YAN KRUKAU/PEXELS
When it comes to sex, there are generally three roles that people prefer to take on. Being a top typically means being someone who prefers being more active and taking more initiative during intimacy, while a bottom is someone who prefers to be more submissive and follow the top’s lead. Many also identify as switches – people who are happy to carry out either role during sex. But what happens if you’re a sapphic woman or non-binary person who’s found yourself in a relationship where you are both tops or both bottoms? This can certainly create a tricky dynamic in the bedroom.
I’m Sofie Roos, a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist, as well as author for Passionerad – a Swedish online publication about sex and relationships, and I’m here to guide all you sapphics out there on how to have amazing sex, no matter the roles you take on.
Three ways for sapphic bottom/bottom couples to have great sex
Explore soft topping
You can be a top without being dominant. Simply take the initiative in a more gentle way. You could do this by asking: “Would you like me to go down on you?” or “Can you finger me in doggystyle?”
The person who is soft topping is the one making the sex go forward while still coming from their comfortable submissive space. It’s simply that the other person is even more submissive.
Let a sex toy be the top
By investing in an automatic sex toy, such as a sex machine, you can let that take the dominant role. You could combine this with, for example, a sex dice with sex positions on it that tells you what positions to try out. Or you could play a sex game that gives you challenges. This way neither of you has to take on the dominant role at all.
Further reading: Sex toys for sapphic couples
Calmly explore switching
When exploring this role, be sure to do it in a way where there’s lots of communication and by starting very carefully and “vanilla”. Many bottoms actually realise that they are turned on by being tops as well and that taking initiative can feel good.
Remember that you can choose however you’d like to be a top. There are no rights and wrongs, so take as much of a commanding role as you are comfortable with. It doesn’t have to be like the picture you have of tops.
Three ways queer women and non-binary people in a top/top relationship can get busy in the bedsheets
Change how you view who’s in control
The dynamic during sex doesn’t have to be that one is in control – you can make it more dynamic than that, and let both give and take the initiative in different situations, maybe almost at the same time.
This is about finding a feeling where both of you let the other person take the lead, and the goal is to make it like a “dance” around the power, instead of a “duel” about who’s the top.
It might sound a little fuzzy, but start out by being generous in letting the other one take control, and then shift it by taking the command yourself. You’ll both figure out what works well for you with time.
Try power sharing
The position as a top can be shared. One of you can take a lead role verbally, while the other one is more dominant physically. Reframe your thinking from “one points and one follows”, and instead explore sex in a way where the both of you get to top.
Roleplay that you are bottom
To roleplay that one of you is the bottom only for that session can make it easier to enter a role as more submissive.
Knowing that it’s temporary and that you have entered a character, which you preferably make up beforehand with a backstory that feels appealing, can make it more natural to give away the control, and even make it surprisingly relieving.
Communication is key
Talk about what it means to be a top or a bottom for you, and what elements in sex you enjoy and get turned on by. If being top, what active things are you most turned on by and vice versa. By pointing out these things, you can make the sex better for both parties.
For example, if both are tops, one might enjoy taking the lead in what sex positions to have, while the other one wants to be dominant verbally, and by letting one pick position and the other one talk dominating, you’re suddenly in a situation where you’re both fulfilling roles in a way that turns you on.
Remember to communicate honestly and respectfully along the journey. If something doesn’t feel right, if you want more of something, or if you have any ideas, then let your partner know!
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