Keep reading for an introvert-friendly guide
BY SOFIE ROOS, IMAGE BY RF..STUDIO
Are you wanting to be the one taking the first step when it comes to sex with your partner/s more often? Does your shyness get in the way? Perhaps you’re anxious about how to go about doing so?
I’m Sofie Roos, a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist. I also write for the Swedish online magazine Passionerad which covers sex and relationships, and in this piece, I will guide all you introverted DIVAs out there on how to initiate intimacy more often, even if it feels difficult.
The best ways for shy sapphics to initiate sex
There are a few introvert-friendly pieces of advice for people who’d like to have more sex but want to show it without actually having the conversation.
Four non-verbal ways I recommend are:
1. Use your phone. You can send them some dirty talk, a hot picture of yourself, or simply get the conversation going about sex over text message. Using the phone often feels much easier, and you’ll be surprised at how well it’ll work.
2. Buy a sex toy, a sex game or nice underwear for birthdays or anniversaries. These can stimulate your sex life and lead to more intimacy without needing to wish for it verbally. Also read: Beginner friendly sex toys for sapphic couples.
3. Ask them to shower with you. Not only is this a great hint, it’s a natural place to start getting intimate.
4. Plan a romantic and sexy date and hope they get your intention. If you’re planning a hot date often, they should start understanding your wishes for more fun time in the bedroom without you actually talking about it.
Using your actions is often easier if you are an introvert
Sex is one of those things where humans tend to communicate more in actions and gestures than in words, because it’s easier to let our bodies speak than to put words on it.
Therefore, if you are shy, it’s often less difficult to show that you’d like to have more sex by physically taking the initiative to be intimate more often – and to take the initiative in the moment you are horny.
For example, take the initiative to kiss or touch your partner sensually in front of the TV, and let one thing lead to another. It often starts with small, subtle signals, not by you saying: “I would love some sex right now!”.
So show that you’re horny with your body language instead of with your voice.
Initiating sex when in the mood decreases the pressure, and lets it be spontaneous
By initiating sex when you’re in the mood, you don’t build up pressure on yourself in the same way as if sitting down and having a talk about it. You also prevent getting into a situation where the sex feels forced. Make sure to let your partner know when you’re horny, and take it as it comes.
What if your partner rejects your physical intimacy?
Even though being more inviting physically hopefully will lead to more sex, there’s also a risk that your partner rejects your invitations.
If that happens, then you’ll have an easier time bringing up your wishes for more sex through a conversation. Do it by bringing it up in a situation where you feel safe, for example by saying: “Love, I’ve been trying to initiate more sex lately, is that something you have noticed, and how do you feel about it?”.
Become more verbally comfortable in communicating your sexual desire
Being able to communicate your feelings about sex is always beneficial for your sex life since it adds more layers and depth to your needs. However, as a shy person, talking about sex can feel almost impossible, and to make it easier, my best advice is to get prepared.
It often helps to define what you’d like to talk about. You can write questions for yourself and answer them. Doing so will make it easier to discuss sex with your partner as you will have somewhere to jump off from.
Example of questions to ask yourself:
- What needs do you have?
- What would you want more of?
- Do you have any suggestions on things to try in bed?
- Do you have any questions you’d like to ask your partner, for example how to make the sex more enjoyable for them?
- How do you show when you’re horny? Let your partner know!
- Ask your partner how they show when they’re in the mood
Pick the right moment
For some introverts, the situation when bringing up the topic is extra important, so try to think about a place and time where you feel safe and could approach the subject. It might be when you’re both about to sleep and cuddling in the dark bedroom. Or it could be when in the car when you have just had sex and are having aftercare.
It’s also okay to communicate about sex in text form, something that can feel much easier, especially in the beginning.
Pro tip: Bring it up when not having eye contact – that makes it less difficult.
Start out small
As with everything, you also need to learn by doing, and the more you speak on your sex life and talk about needs, the easier it’ll get to initiate more sex. It’s fully okay to start out small, and then add more layers to the communication and expression of your needs as you learn.
Pro tip: Many times, you don’t understand each time your partner signals they want to get intimate, and many times your partner misses on you initiating sex, so to talk about how you show when you’re horny is a great conversation to have when feeling safe to talk about sex in an honest way.
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